Here's to wishing . . .

You all a happy new year!! Boring and short this post is but I have to go get my ghetto dance on at a party tonight. I've been crazy busy and crazy happy here in California. Many stories to tell and many songs to write. . . May the journey continue.

Love you all!!

I'm fully aware . . .

That Christmas ended only 90 minutes ago, but I have too many pictures to load before I recap.

This post is dedicated to my motivated insides who are dying for "new years resolutions"

Doesn't 2010 seem feminine?? I feel like she will make the world go round in odd ways for 365 days.

Dearest 2009,
you were rough on me but you were also the most joyous year thus far. I accomplished about 85% of your goals which is a feat for me and my track record, so for that I must thank you! Let's just pray that your sister, 2010, will treat me like gold and maybe even bring me a love. . . far fetched I know but it's worth a shot. Cousin is making me excited again to be in love.
Much love, Jules

Greetings 2010,
I am thrilled to meet you and can't wait to know you better. Let's just get the list over with shall we??
- Save up enough $$ to move into my own apartment near L.A.
- Half marathon (now that I can run year round, yipee!!)
- Attempt to persuade Ellen into letting me on "the" show, for any reason possible!!
- Perfect and perform with my loop pedal
- Be an extra in a show AND make sure I can be seen
- Write letters to all current missionary friends
- Open for a reputable band/artist
- Finish full CD
I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Sincerely, Jules

the less the better. Man, I'm stoked about my goals, I usually loathe them because they are so ridiculous and frustrating but I've come to learn that those are the ones that leave me feeling crappy and mad because I don't attain them. let's just keep it simple this year folks.

Sleeeeeepy time. . . .

You know . . .

Those moments where all you want to do is dance to blaring music (preferably gansta style) but you are sitting in bed attempting to sleep because you need to work in the morning?

well it SUCKS BIG TIME.

If I were as cool as I strive to be, I would get my butt out of bed and do it.

Wow I just motivated myself unintentionally . . . praise the blog Ala

***************** 30 minutes later ************************

I REALLY did not want to take the effort to perform above activity before I began blogging tonight. Let's just say:

That was thee most successful blog post to date. I have a lot to ramble about but I'm thinking this has turned into a "more is less" situation. Go do something completely awesome right now. it'll make you feel cool i pinky swear.

Good night

All I have to say is . . .

That.

Was.

Bizarre.

as a matter of fact, it was too bizarre to elaborate via blog until I see him face to face. BRB.

Can't Sit Still . . .

time for some word vomit.

10 goals for me to accomplish while in the first 6 months (not including december) of California:
*please SOMEBODY hold me accountable

1. Visit the beach at least 3 x a week. DOABLE and super enjoyable. easy.
2. Perform on the streets 2 x a month. calling all dolla bills. cash money. ice. u name it, i'll take it.
3. Perfect the "jumping on the beach" picture. ahhh yea.
4. Raise money to buy a beach cruiser. sooooo awesome.
5. Make a friend. . . don't judge me.
6. Play beach volleyball at least ONCE.
7. Find 10 celebs whether intentionally or by random. lets hope i find me a howler.
8. Finish self made CD.
9. Get in contact with 10 important people in the industry that have the potential of "making me happen."
10. Cry whenever the freeeeak i want to because this ain't gonna be easy folks. and imma girl so imma gonna cry.

Since today's the day, I'll end by saying. . . .
"PEACE, LOVE, and INCENSE"

let's hope we don't have a breakdown here. kiss kiss

Just A Leetle Leest. . .

of reasons California has been treating me like a goddess.

*Inspired by my Cindi din dindy. . . just a little preview for you!

1- I am now the person that my insides have been dying to be. (more on that confusing statement later)
2- Every sunset that I have seen is at LEAST this pink. . . RIGHT??
3- I paid an insane woman street violinist yesterday AND she had way sweet dreads (karma shall be my friend)
4- While at the beach the other day, I saw a way freaking sweet family playing soccer and I'm not sure what language they were speaking but they looked like swedes. completely normal.
5- I walked to the grocery store with my reusable bag the other day to pick up a few things. It made me feel so green and legit.
6- My sand sculpted butterfly was destroyed by the incoming huge wave which took me by surprise. Luckily all my electronics in my pocket survived because I pulled out my uber fast reflexes and assumed the "crab walk" position. then I laughed for a good 20 seconds because everyone probably thought I looked like i belong in an asylum.
7- I have FINALLY started playing my guitar again.
8- Television is no longer a distraction. More an annoyance.
9- It's freakin 72 DEGREES!
10- California is feeding my absurdly independent self which loves being alone, free, and non- dependent in financial matters. Why does it feel so good to pay for everything???
11- I work 4 days a week from 11:00 AM to 6:00 PM. Can't get much more beach bum than that!
12- I am 45 minutes away from Six Flags and about 90 minutes away from Disneyland, just THINKING about it makes me giddy.


All in all, the move is everything and more than I hoped. I still miss my main peeps but i still have them in my life.

D comes home tomorrow and it's crazy sauce. I can't wait to talk to him via telephone. I can't wait to SEE him over my Christmas vacation. Lucky bih that ends up with him. . . I'll kill 'er if she doesn't fully appreciate. Sigh. . . . I have a feeling this will be the story of my life. *see picture below

*inspired by S-money, Sarie farie, my little big cous. I'm sorry I sucked up that heart.

I'm in for . . .

The time of my life.*Just a little tribute to Sarie Fairy who graciously drove the whole way to California with me the day her finals ended. A real trooper, I know! She is stunning in these candid photos and probably has no idea that I even took them. She loves the ocean as much if not more than I do so her attention was fully occupied.*

I woke up in my new room this morning with the sun's rays beaming through my adorable windows. I got up and walked around the neighborhood, mesmerized by the awesome homes and adorable people.

I feel like I'm in a dream. This isn't really how life is supposed to feel. I am guessing that the WOW factor will wear off in a good few weeks, but it will still amaze me that I live right by the ocean and that it doesn't snow here. I can't seem to wrap my head around that!

The Manders family is hilarious. they are incredible. the rooms are decorated with different themes. they have the most envious collectibles, and Mark (Dad Manders) creates the most beautiful pieces of artwork ever (from paintings of dancers to a marble sculpture of a fetus). It's unreal. i just don't believe that this was coincedental. God is miraculous in making odd things happen.

So now I am here sitting on my bed, my guitar sprawled out next to me looking exhausted from my hours of playing and I know that this decision was the best one.

People have plans for hooking me up with the industry. So soon?? I can taste my "2 weeks notice" for the dental office already. hahahaha that's horrible. in all reality I am hoping to be there at least 6 months. I am actually going to LOVE it. what a freaking opportunity.

Oh and no worries. Beautiful Boy in new singles ward started talking to me and after about 15 minutes he admitted that he is going to be 19 in a little over 6 months. C.R.A.P. Gotta love it! For the record, it wouldn't be an issue except for I know he'll be going on a mission. Ain't gonna happen. Maybe SINGLE is calling my name here in California as well. hahahaha

Peace and love!

All Good Things. . .

must (for some odd reason) come to a freaking end.

*the view from my new job in downtown Ventura!*

*the beauty of Santa Monica*

Just sitting on my bed which is currently stripped of it's lovely flannel clothing; facing bare walls, Christmas presents (yes my mother has already turned my room into santa's workshop), and shelves who I would swear are complaining that they are now lonely.

I've made the rounds of friends and family to make sure I get in enough of their beautiful faces to haunt my dreams for years to come and I've also eaten Cafe Rio about 10 times, you'd think I have this irrational fear that it will become extinct in the next 2 weeks before I'm back home eating it with the Ange Mong from Wisconsin.

But I am leaving. weird. and I won't be back. double weird. I won't be able to drive home because I need a fix of my mom's addictive cooking. I won't be able to call one of my 3 Beauties to come be with me on a whim. I won't see you when your plane lands, I will have to resort to a dreaded phone call which has never given humanity any credit for being wonderful.

I will be warm. different. I will have major responsibility. I will be in love with the place, people, and culture you have to offer.

So although this incredible life has to come to an end, I will be able to start fresh while the sun beats down daily. It's doable I guess . . .

Facing . . .

A fear that has been holding you back your whole life is A. BIG. DEAL.

Me: I did it. I did it this past week. I faced THAT fear. I plunged.

Best feeling in my life. It truly set me free and gave me AN INSANE AMOUNT of beauty.

I thank YOU, YOU, YOU, and YOU for helping me overcome this fear. (you know who you are)

I thank YOU specifically for letting me talk your ear off and for helping me conclude that the fear was worth facing. YOU know my heart and YOU fought to help me.

I thank YOU specifically for being there. for allowing me to be fidgety and crazy. for dealing with my emotional mode those couple of days.

I thank YOU specifically for giving me strength that no human can attain by herself.

I thank YOU for patiently being the object of fear. For sticking it out for over 45 minutes of my childishness and for graciously giving me future "pointers". YOU were a safe test. YOU knew how crucial this was to help me grow. And YOU probably loved every second of it.

Opened my heart last week and guess what?? It was phenomenal.

In Lieu of reading the 2 previous psycho posts. . .

I've been walking around all day thinking.
I think I have a problem: I think I think too much.
I've been taught to hold back my tears and avoid them
but you make pain into something I could touch.

I've been walking around all day laughing
think I'd be better off with out you here
and I bet you're sweet and hard to get over
so I cry and people stop and stare
that's okay let them stop and stare.

Cause I am fragile
I am hopeless
I'm not perfect
but I'm free.

I've been walking around all day waiting
and waiting is all I seem to do
cause I never get it unless I'm fed
but this time I'll just have to

And I am fragile
I am hopeless
I'm not perfect
but I'm free.

Say you're not around when I'm finished.
If you're not around that's too bad.
Hope you're safe and sound not alone now
cause you know I believe in you.

I'm still fragile
I'm still hopeless
I'm not perfect
but I'm free.

Maria Mena says it best. . . .
Thank you for your patience in my insanity

"They're hoping times will never change. . . .

But how often do things stay the same?"

Am i the only one on the planet that is THIS babyish about moving?? Don't get me wrong, I'm in it for sure and I really can't wait to get out of Utah and into Cali, but I just wish I could move all of the people with me. I am really really bad at goodbyes so I usually like to avoid them altogether, but I can't! Who knows when I will see these people again? These people that i have put so much emotion and heart into knowing and loving, I just up and leave them.

I love meeting new people and that will be one of the most exciting adventures consuming this life change. I instantly love people when I meet them and can't wait to feel that over and over again. But i feel like i don't have time for everyone. I want to give a bigger part of myself to ALL of my friends but the more I move around and change, the more friends I gain which means the worse friend i become. I just pray that I can keep my friendships intact. I love these people in Utah. I love them with all of my heart.

Thank you. . .

I am grateful most for the one who I give all of my thanks to. God. He is everywhere. I thank him for being my Heavenly Father. I feel like I must pay my tribute to Utah this Thanksgiving seeing as it will no longer be my home.

I'm starting to wig out about leaving Utah indefinitely. I only have 2 weeks left and every time I mention it to someone I'm close to (family, or best friends) they all have the same response: "I don't want to talk about it!" It puts tears into my eyes every time I hear it. I forget over and over again that this isn't just a vacation but could ultimately be permanent (for now at least).

Family:

I haven't really left my house much this past week because I am trying to soak it all up. The memories, the smells, the FOOD, the presence of the most loving parents in the world, my INCREDIBLE bedroom and bathroom. It's so hard to leave.

My Mom and I were talking and she mentioned her greatest fear with it all. "I keep thinking how you may never come back. This may be your last time living in Utah." bawl fest right?? "You are the last straw holding this family close together." she continued. The "A" Team is living in Wisconsin, Jenny: (the great) is helping people to help themselves while making herself even more perfect, Chris and Michelle are raising their 2 adorable chillun in North Salt Lake, and now I'm off to pursue music in California with dreams so large and far out, with a heart that has little fear that I may never be back in Utah.

I am so lucky to have the knowledge that my family and I will be together beyond this world. They will be there with me when we are done with this beautiful earthly challenge.

Friends:

Anyone would call me crazy to leave a place where my friends reside. They are not average friends, they are not friends, they are my soul sisters. They keep me going and keep me thinking. I am so curious to see how I survive with out them because I didn't think it was possible. It's probably a good thing. They'll all run off and get married, go on missions, or take the world by storm. California is a blessing in so many arenas including this one. I can't stand to see my friends leave so I'll leave them first!! It's like an immature break up in middle school. and I am the immature one, yep, I'm happy about it.

The Place:

Dear Utah, although I complain about your horrid precipitation every time it comes around, I want you to know that it is much appreciated during Christmas. I will miss your "in my face" mountains, your fresh cold air, and your 4 consistent seasons. I'm happy to know that I can always come back to you, although I probably won't want to :).

Wrap up:

So now I will go downstairs and turn on music while my mom and I decorate our house with Christmas cheer before I leave.

I love (most) everything about this place, and I know I will love it even more once I don't have it, but I must go on and learn to love another area of this huge world.

If someone wouldn't mind. . .

Purchasing some sort of clothing HERE because I am moving to California and will be dirt poor for the next few months, that would be fantastic! Just found the website via ad found HERE which trust me you will want to visit because it is the funniest website ever.

But back to the clothing . . . I want SOMEONE to take advantage of the beautiful finds. Until then, I'll squeeze my eyes shut and imagine I have the money to buy unnecessary things. . . it will happen someday!

P.S. if you really do end up purchasing something, let me know. I am queen of vicarious living and it will bring me much joy. Please and thank you! Pictures accepted graciously.

Holy Smokes. . .

So I wrote a song called "Train Station Tango". I wrote it happily because I thought it was the first song I wrote that had no personal, emotional, connection. WRONG. WRONG. WRONG. WRONG. I spoke with Cindi about it about a month ago and asked her if she thought that I had a connection with the song. She pondered for a bit before admitting "I think that it is the you that not everybody knows or can see." I knew she was spot on and even started playing the song admitting to my audience that it hits so close to home.


"Sitting on a bench at the station,
listening carefully for the sounds
that would get me out of here, take me out of here!

See you walk past, a 9 maybe 10
not your looks stupid, but your composure as a man
didn't know what else to do but hide my fancy shoes.

Somebody told me 'don't let your heart out at night
cause once it starts to wiggle free it's hard to put up a fight.'
So I'll restrain mine here behind this old lover's book
that talks of the people and the chances they took.
They're not for me.

Sitting in an empty compartment and out of 103, you had to
draw the seat next to me.
Nod your head like you've just bid me well
but I'm staring you down like you have cast me into hell.
You smile and you smile then you laugh like you've seen my entire past.

Somebody told me 'don't let your heart out at night',
but what if I gave it and didn't want to put up a fight?
no I'll restrain mine here behind this old lover's book
that shows me what happens when I am willingly shook out of my skin.

He tried to teach me, said i haven't lived my life
He tried to show me that it was time to let my heart out,
let it fly.

But somebody told me 'don't let your heart out at night'
cause what if I gave it and you chose to put up a fight?
So I'll hold mine here behind this old lover's book
that talks of the people and the chances they took.
They're not for me. . . "


That song ends sadly. Just like my situation, my CURRENT situation. . . it ends sadly it ends EXACTLY like my song does. . . I'm pathetic, I am my own psychic through song and I hate it. Why can't I let my heart go? What am I so afraid of?? He's teaching me, he's trying to show me that it would all work out if I let it but I can't do it. . . I'm completely chicken. GRRRR. . . and now I'm off to California and he will be gone, most likely forever. I'm such an idiot.

THIS SONG SERIOUSLY PREDICTED MY FUTURE, I WAS WAITING FOR THE PERFECT OPPORTUNITY TO GET OUT OF HERE, FOUND IT, THEN FOUND SOMEBODY WHO I CAN'T RISK GIVING MY HEART TO AND NOW I'M GONE. IS THIS NOT SCARY TO ANYONE ELSE????? sorry. . . I'm just miffed is all hahahahaha.

Dear Taza. . .

Usually I really like you, sometimes, I start to wonder about the real you . . . like right now. . . why you had to make your headbands so ridiculously unaffordable.

Weird what people start to do when they know everyone will eat out of the palm of their hand.

Ba humbug . . .

Flip Video. . .

Has given me the ability to record bits of my live show at Muse Music. Check it out. Sorry it's friggin long.

Sure the sound quality is very low and the picture quality is even lower, but heck it's a video camera that is the size of a large cell phone. . . can't complain.

Captioned Collage . . .

*Click to enlarge, naturally*

Right this moment. I LOVE these pictures.

Think Connection. . .

I know I've been lazy and haven't posted pictures of the quaint little place I am going to be working in while living in California but I just want to point out some seriously important facts of life.


I am so imperfect, it is ridiculous. Luckily God and I are both full of forgiveness and that makes life a whole heck of a lot easier.


I believe that if you are truly living as best as you can and trying your hardest, God will put you in the right place. Just where he needs you to be.


I have thought about how intricate God is when it comes to getting you into that "place" he needs you to be. Here is how my life has gone in the past 3 years. . . think MAJOR CONNECTIVITY between all the events in my life.

- Made the decision to attend Utah State University in Logan.
- Met "D" Derek Walker (my next door neighbor in Snow Hall) who introduced me to the art of recording.
- Recorded music with D before he left on his mission.
- Inspired by D to buy my own equipment and record my own songs.
- Stuck in a musical rut. I could not write songs, it was impossible and i kept getting worse because my confidence in my ability was so low.
- Prayed and felt that I was destined to be a Music Therapist and joined the program at USU.
- I had to buy a guitar for said Music Therapy major.
- Writing block gone in an instant as I began writing songs on the guitar. All it took was a new instrument.
- Gained confidence and started writing songs for the piano that were eons better than before.
- Stopped going to class and started only playing music in my pj's.
- Decided to go back home to Salt Lake and earn money because i was broke and not taking school seriously.
- Decided that I didn't ever want to go back to school. I just want to be a musician. Period. The end.
- Got a job working for The School Improvement Network.
- Met ALLIE through said SiNET job.
- Randomly talked to my old friend, Sara, who attends college in California over the summer who encouraged me to come visit her before she graduated.
- Planned little vacation over the weekend to California.
- Talked to ALLIE 2 days before i left. She mentioned that her uncles who owned the dentist chain would hire me in a second.
- Went on vacation to California.
- Went and interviewed at dentist office right when they were ready to hire someone new.
- Got job offer.
- Surfed craigslist for hours to find housing.
- Clicked on random posting after much frustration.
- Called lady and went to house just to find out that they are an LDS couple.

Incredible right?? I am meant to be in this music industry no matter how hard and hellish it will be. I am so ready because these connections have put my life just so. God will never cease to amaze me. Some may say that I'm "all talk" because i tend to jump from one thing to another so quickly,but in reality, I just follow the counsel I feel from God and continue to change my life path only to find that he is simply helping me to reach my dream because I have been flexible enough to let him mold my life in the way it should go. Imagine if i would have been to scared to move out right after high school?? Where would I be?? Going to the University of Utah and watching NCIS every night??


God is perfect. We must put our whole heart and soul into letting him guide us. TRUST him, because he will never let you down. Has my life been easy? no. It's been very frustrating at times and God has allowed me to have trials like mad.


I used to feel stupid changing around so much. I felt like people thought I had no ambition or drive because I kept "giving up" on the things i was previously doing. . . One day I'm going to be a dietitian, the next day, I am going to be a music therapist. One day I am a college student, the next day I'm at home working. One day I am living happily in Salt Lake working for an amazing company, the next day I am moving to California to continue my music pursuit. But when I look back and see the map that is my life. I don't care what people think of me anymore. Every radical decision I made (that most people disapproved of) has led me to this point where I am going to work my head off in California to stand out from all the other wannabe musicians. I've always said I can do it. I've always said that I will make it. And now it takes physical form and begins to unfold.


I recently gave myself 2 years to move out of State. I think I will make this dream of mine come true a lot sooner than I realize if things keep going this quickly!



Allie, thank you for giving me this incredible opportunity. I love how God's work would not unfold so easily without the earthly angels that surround us. Check out her blog. She's incredible.

Here goes nothing. . .

I'm moving to California. I know. . . it's insane. It really overwhelmed me and freaked me out but my vacation turned into a job interview and rushing to find a place to live. Everything fell into place. God's hand has been in this decision so much, it is unbelievable! As I was getting ready to head on vacation, a friend of mine mentioned that she knew a chain of dentist offices that would be happy to hire me. I went and "interviewed" and got the offer. That very night, I was on Craigslist for about 3 or 4 hours searching for a place to live. I was so frustrated as all of them were either way out of my price range, iffy, or living with men. I finally came across a posting for a room in a family home. I called the lady who immediately picked up on my "utah accent" (i didn't even know Utahns could have an accent) and she told me to come check it out the next morning. I arrived to the house and before Suzanne swung the door open, she said "now if you are trying to get away from mormons, then you have come to the wrong place." I stopped dead in my tracks as I saw a picture of a temple hanging on her wall. It was meant to happen. That is no coincident and although I would be happy to live with people who are not of my faith, it makes life easier when you are surrounded by at least a couple of people who live the same lifestyle. I was blown away. It was a beautiful house with a pool and jacuzzi and it was only a 15 minute drive to my job in downtown Ventura. (Pictures to come. . . ) I have pondered it over the past few days and have made my final decision to take this opportunity and run. This is my dream and I am only getting one step closer to it!! I went down to Third street promenade in Santa Monica to watch and talk to the street performers. One guy told me that he averages $800-$900 every time he plays! What the crap??? I plan on performing at least 2 times a month in Santa Monica or somewhere like it in order to save up money and eventually buy an apartment of my own. This is such an amazing opportunity for me and I can't wait to be away from the dreary Utah weather. I just know that God puts these things in our life as a pattern to where we ultimately end up in life. He has given me this opportunity to shine and pursue my dream. It scares the crap out of me but I can't wait to take on the world!

P.S. I live about 10 minutes from the beach so you will all have to come visit me!

Loves,

Ahoy. . .

from the sunny beaches of california my blog loves! I'll post pictures when I get home and tell you all about it! can't wait! I love this place. Plus. . . some good news to post when I get back!

Hope you are loving life!

I really can't comprehend. . . .

what has been happening inside of me the past little while.

I feel like I've seen myself again. I laugh. I get excited. I feel positive. motivated. I feel like I'm back on the track of Life. (LIFE, don't you think this word has been spreading around like wildfire?? everywhere I turn, everyone is writing or talking about LIFE. So maybe it has been going around forever but people seem so much more passionate about the word than they used to be. You don't use the word Life unless you have something exuberant, devestating, loving, or rollicking to talk about. The word life has been born again. I love it.) <----- sorry for the novel of a side note.

Back to my point. . . I feel alive again. I haven't felt this much like myself for a while. It's good to have me back.

Here's the scoop: I went through the lowest part of my life (to date) almost exactly a year ago. I lost control over everything in my life. I just moved home from Logan, I was scared out of my mind for my future, and I would have gone to extreme measures to be physically beautiful. I lost myself. I spent 10 days with Andrea, Austin, and Chase in Wisconsin. (Andrea is my lovely sister). Spending that time with her incredible spirit and getting out of my world for 10 days was just what I needed to turn back around and begin trudging the way back uphill to a good life. I decided to see a therapist. She has helped me in more ways than I can even explain. I had no idea that I would create one of the most loving friendships I've ever had through seeing her. Before she had taught me, I would have told you that my life is a cake-walk compared to hers. But that is something that I have come to learn more and more. Life is crap for all of us. Whether it is physically tolling, emotionally tolling, mentally, spiritually, or most likely a nasty combination of all 4. We all struggle to the extreme. Life is plain hard. Isn't it beautiful?

I have come such a long way this past year. Many tears, many lessons learned, and many trials and errors. I know that life is hard but i can always look forward to eventual happiness. One of the things that keeps me truly happy is my ability to cry, I cry out my emotions and I can keep going. I am honest and open with others about how I feel. I have stopped tagging "I am SO happy all the time" onto the end of every sentance, because in reality, sometimes I am not feeling happy and that is okay. But at the end of the hour, day, week, month, or even in my case, the year, I can finally say "I am happy" and mean it.

I feel like we are in the generation of honesty. Let's all admit our faults, fears, and struggles. We can build each other up so beautifully if we all live in pure honesty.

Much love love,

P.S. Regina tonight.

I've been waiting all this time to be something I can't define. . .

So let's cause a scene, clap our hands and stomp our feet

Doesn't that song give you the best image ever of millions of people around the world causing a scene and loving life? Pure inspiration right there!

I'm a format lover and I think that it is horrible music to listen to while working in a cubicle. It makes me want to dance and sing and run, or it makes me super emotional, like grab your head and put it between your knees, emotional. Now I am extremely anxious to leave so I can go play with the world

. . . and I've only been here 3 hours. Wish me luck!

Couple of things. . .

*Have I ever told you that my dream living location right now is Vancouver, BC*

On my mind right now:

First of all, i'm extremely sensitive to touch at this very second. like every single nerve I have is just standing on end. I also have extreme butterflies in my stomach. Why? what is going on right now? I'm just super confused. It feels as if I'm going to play my music in front of the world right now on a stage with supreme spotlights but I'm not, so I'm weirded out. Intense anxiety is taking over my physical body.

Secondly, I'm very excited for the next few weeks. This weekend =Regina Spektor concert which will blow my mind. Next weekend=California. Did I tell you that I'm going to play on the streets of Santa Monica where huge crowds will gather, people will literally throw all their money at me, and I will receive a 2 million dollar record deal?? Sweet right? okay so only the first is true but here's to hoping the rest will happen. Next NEXT weekend=New Moon opening night. Yes I am 20 and I love that series. Yes I love books that are well written and I still love that series. Yes I am a lover of Jacob in the book and Jacob on the screen. ahhhhh. Next Next NEXT weekend=Thanksgiving, chalked full of good food, familia, and hilarious moments. Think about it, something hilarious always happens on Thanksgiving!

Cheers my fellow human beings. Lets all make this week as fantastic as it was meant to be!

Love love love loves

And yes. . .

I did just use "as such" twice in my last post. I'm an embarrassment

Ode To Sweatpants. . .

This was just one of my roommates, catching me in the act of recording music while dressed as such (yes that is a trapper hat).

Ever been to THIS website??? My life is average? It is freaking hilarious, and I'm pretty sure it has been making me laugh out loud in my cubicle all day.

Then this happened to me:

I told my Dad that I am going to wear my sweatpants to work for halloween. He gave a little chuckle and said "You are going to go as Julie", I nodded in agreement and said, "yes! the Julie after work". He laughed again and said "you mean. . . the julie at work. . . and the julie at school. . . and the julie that goes out. . . and the singing julie. . . the dancing julie. . . the julie that jogs. . . the julie on dates. . . " all while sticking in laughter and hilarious hand motions. Not to mention, my love, Cindi commented on a FB photo of me yesterday from a previous halloween where i dressed up as an OG (original gangster). I was wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt and she commented "Jules, that is a really nice outfit you have on. I don't think I have seen it before. What were you trying to be for Halloween? Yourself?" MLIA

Ode to sweatpants. . . i seriously am going to write a song and title it as such

Kreativ? yes? . . . wheeeeee

The gorgeous and harmonious (great at leaving inspirational comments) Jessie tagged me with the 'Kreativ Blogger' award

My Duty: list 7 unknown traits about myself, and pass the award along to 7 lucky bloggers.
FUN RIGHT?
Love the blogging world!

1. I see a therapist every 3 weeks which all began with an eating disorder. Doesn't it suck that we live in a society where we grow up hating ourselves? . . . she has changed my world.

2. My friends have no idea how covetous I am of what they have or who they are sometimes. I KNOW THE MOST INCREDIBLE PEOPLE, IT IS UNBELIEVABLE!

3. I get nervous every time I have a new music gig for fear of nobody showing up to support me. It's stupid, I have awesome people in my life who do everything and anything they can to support me.

4. I have a deep appreciation for driving alone. I rock out, I bawl, I create scenarios, and I begin "drive by relationships" by singing to other people while they stare me down or start singing along, it is wonderful.

5. One of the first thoughts that pops into my mind when a "potential" man walks into my life, is "Will my brother think this guy is cool enough to hang out with." My brother gets along with everyone, don't get me wrong. But for him to truly like someone enough to hang out with is pretty rare. Guess I'll be single for a while. . .

6. I play "Harry Potter" and "Orchestra Conductor" while I run because I always pull a mini branch off of a tree and go to town in my own little world. (trust me, it makes those 5 miles fly by!)

7. When I leave my house in the morning, 99% of the time I think I look good (as good as I can look) but I have an odd style of no make up, anti hair teasing, so when people tell me they think I look good and really mean it, (trust me I have a gift for determining sincerity) I am shocked. I mean, I think I look good but I don't think that other people should. . . it's hard to explain. . .

And the awards go to. . .

Elease
Jordan
Lilian
Team Boo
Jalene
Krista
Marierin

Much love!!

My Love's too big for you my Love . . .

If you need to listen to Ingrid's "Sort Of" to truly understand why i am relating my life to those lyrics right now, then that would be fine because It's quite a breathtaking song!

Did you want to delve into my secret mind? because now is the time! This song is making perfect sense to me. I do not have a love that I need to get away from, but I do have a heart that I feel the need to run away from. I have a love that I wish I could run away from mentally and emotionally because I don't have him physically.

It's weird. . . this broken hearted feeling. I feel WAY too young to have a broken heart. I feel too strong to have a broken heart. I feel too loved to have a broken heart. But I feel it, and it's sort of this disgustingly beautiful transformation of soul. To know that I allowed myself to open my heart expecting it to be broken the second I do. I don't think I've done that. . . EVER. I have allowed myself to have feelings for people but I cover them up and bury them the second I feel doubt. I did that at first with this current love. I covered it, I buried it, I kicked it, I threw it away, but it kept finding it's way to the surface, creeping up slowly until I found myself in tears just to take it out, dig a new hole, and pray that it would stay underground this time.

It's okay that I am broken hearted. Those who know the situation may say I am being haste and that I am breaking my own heart, but I can't see the outcome going the way I want it to.
Call me one of little faith. . . because it is true! I have little faith when it comes to me and relationships, but I prepare myself for the worst when it comes to love.

"My Love's too big for you my Love. . ." My heart is large, loving, and extremely forgiving. It is passionate, intense, and overwhelming. My love is too big for you. I can't handle what you will dish back, but I have to. And it feels good. . . at least better then crushing it in my hands and letting it blow away.

Today is the day. . . .

That I make you a cupcake. and sing and dance with you. It is a good day! Thank you for making it that way. I love you beautiful!

InGrid. . .

wandered over to my hood and played me some sweet, sweet, melodies. Seriously though? This woman came out with her 7-man band and began playing "Soldier", the first song on her new album "Everybody" and my excitement mounted until I stood there: silently weeping. It was a PHENOMENAL show. Everything about her was perfect, down to her sweet headband that slicked back her matted hair. I wish you all could have been there with me. Singing along. Laughing at her hilarious jokes. and soaking in her deep soul. She sang a song about Mexican food and broke out into "Ice Ice Baby" followed by the "Fresh Prince" theme song. It was BY FAR one of the best concerts I have ever been to.

I stood there at moments and had goosebumps running up my arms and butterflies patting at my stomach just imagining how awesome it will be to play at "In the Venue" with people who have been changed through my very own music.

Ingrid has no idea what "Soldier" has done for me these past 2 months as I cried like a baby, and I can't wait to provide others with the same amount of peace and strength through the amazing power of music.

Much thanks my beautiful little idol. I hope to return the favor someday.

While driving home from Provo yesterday. . .

I pretended that Ellen Degeneres was in the passenger seat and we were doing a skit for SNL. I completely forgot about it until about. . . 3 seconds ago. I was acting, in my car, by myself, and I even laughed because it was a funny skit and I was improv-ing quite nicely.

I. HAVE. PROBLEMS.

But hey, on a less creepy note, I played a full set in Provo last night. It was a blast and I made money plus some new fans/friends! Can't get much better than that.

"Dream passionate dreams, design their reality."

-not an unknown author, but i can't remember the name

Not Only. . .

Would I give anything in the world to look like Zooey Deschenel right now, but she has my dream career. Who knew that I would be feeling those same things so quickly??

She's kind of. . . sort of. . . a hero/idol/goddess to me.

Well, ISN'T SHE??

want a music update??

Man alive, life has been good lately. I think I have played at least. . . 5 times this month already. I have 2 shows and 1 open mic coming later this week. When I played at the "Velour" open mic night last week, they got my contact info to set up my very own show there. Plus, I just had a restaurant contact me back who I sent my demos to and they want me to play a show next weekend. Out of all of these things, I have only set up 2 of them on my own. WHATTT??? how does this happen to me?

Flat out: I am blessed with an amazing ability that God granted me, and it is seeming to take me far in the right direction. At this rate I am hoping to be able to quit my job, pick up and move out of state, and find record deal offers within the next year. Far fetched?? maybe a little, I will give myself 2 years just to be safe, but by george, I am oober confident.

I have gone to a few shows lately (not played at, but just observed) where very few bodies were present to watch and support the musicians with outstanding talent, I mean, WOW HOW THE CRAP ARE YOU PLAYING FOR 15 PEOPLE?? kind of talent. What is the difference between those people and the ones that we hear on the radio who score big time? Confidence. People-skills. Performance. Drive. Aggressiveness.

Friends: this is why I am confident. I may not have any more talent than your average Utah singer/songwriter but man I am not afraid to talk to people, I am not afraid to tell people that I will make it someday soon, and I am not afraid to put myself out there because I believe I am one of the best. This is what will make me a successful musician. YES the talent is a definite plus (thank the One above) but it is so much more, it is a complete business and I am ready.

Thank you EVERYONE for all of your love and support. It is evident to me that I would be nothing if I didn't have incredible family and friends to back me up, and watch me play every week. Seriously though I would be NOTHING more than a girl behind a poem.

I would like to thank a few people in particular

-God, who gave me a talent and allows me to use it.

-"D" without whom, I would have never discovered my love and ability for music in the first place.

-Brett Curtis, this kid is willing to come to every show if he doesn't have a previous plan. He's also my wicked sweet manager.

-My logan lovers, they have travelled from Logan to Provo just to come watch me play multiple times now.

-Mis Parientes, they gave up an entire room in our house that is now dedicated to my instruments, sweet sound system, and inspiration filled mind.

-Cindi Din Dindy, I consider her to be my #1 fan. She's there every show and still watches me play as if she has just heard me for the first time.

-Plus all the randoms that find me via technology, just because they heard me play and want to know where they can hear my musica again. YOU GUYS ARE INCREDIBLE!!

Thank you all. I love you

Dreams are freeeeky

I love when I remember my dreams because it truly doesn't happen very often. Somehow, I had to remember this dream that was absolutely horrid.

I dreamt that a married guy I know (I will be super confidential) had feelings for me. I am attracted to said married guy, I will not lie about it. I was bummed when I found out that he was married, but to have a dream that he came up to me and told me that he had feelings for me just made me sick. I haven't gotten over it and it's been about a week and a half since the dream took place. I'm sick about it because my attraction for this guy has increased and my mind hasn't quite made it clear that he isn't an option.

Please don't judge me, it was just a dream, and they are just feelings. I just wanted to express my disgust.

To all those out there who have feelings for a married person, I understand you a little bit better than I previously did and now I feel very sorry for you. It's a bad feeling. yuckkkk.

Also, does anyone interpret dreams?? I'm curious to know what this one meant!

Sweet Dreaming. . . . .

Heppy Birfday

See HER? This is Cindi Mary Dietz. She's a little sarcastic, crazy, passion filled, spiritual, wonder woman. It was her birthday on Monday and I was so distracted by my Tuesday performance that I did nothing for her. I'm a horrid friend. I spent the day at work, then practiced music until I met her and her HILARIOUSLY WONDERFUL family at the Desert Star playhouse to see "Snooty and the Beast" It was awesome. I love this girl. She is something else. Seriously though, she is unexplainable. She is one of the funniest people I've ever met, she has these eyes that draw you in and make you want to know her because she looks like an angel, she can speak in any level of depth, and she knows more about life than most 80 year olds do. This is her 21 year old tribute!

21 reasons why I couldn't live without CINDI:

1. I am constantly jealous of her amazing life which makes me strive to be a better person.
2. I have NEVER lived without her. We were friends before we came to earth and we will be friends after we die.
3. She boosts my confidence more than she will ever know.
4. She appreciates everything around her. I mean EVERYTHING!
5. She has this "thinking" face that makes me silently wonder how her spirit can even exist in this world.

6. When she gets excited about something, she does this cool "opening of the hands, look up and smile" all in slow motion and it just instantly makes you happy.
7. She keeps me sane because she understands the way I think and feel when no one else in the world can!
8. She and I cry together, usually on a bi-monthly basis. . . (I know I know, disgusting)
9. She can make HILARIOUS faces (not like those super annoying girls who you tell to pull a face for a picture and they end up giving a kiss to the camera while you are left looking like some 12 year old psychopath). So we take really awesome pictures together.

10. She puts people in really awkward situations and it is in my list of top 5 funny things of the world.
11. She has a gift for living in someone else's shoes. She knows it and she owns it. It's amazing.
12. She bought a hooded jacket just for playing the guitar in.
13. She loves watching sunrises and does so frequently.
14. She doesn't seem effected by lack of sleep and if she does, she hides it well.
15. It just hit me but I don't think I have EVER been annoyed by her. That is rare!
16. She and I climbed a 125 ft. radio tower at the top of a mountain.
17. She and I dressed up in paper and plastic sacs to run around Salt Lake City at midnight and film a music video.18. When she dances, the whole world wants to get up and dance.
19. She treats everyone around her like they are golden.
20. She has thee greatest laugh you will EVER hear.
21. She is like the sun, you've been waiting all winter and she comes along to brighten your life.

Click HERE to delve into her imaginitive mind and hopefully if you are lucky enough to run across me when I am with her (usually half of my week) then you will get to experience the joy of this incredible woman.

Happy Birthday Cindi Din Dindy. I LOVE YOU!

A little big headed now. . .

I'm feeling a little too cool these days if that is even possible (if you know me, you know how cool I think I am already) but the adorable Lilian received an award for her blog and the rules of the award are to pass it on to 15 new blogs that you find noteworthy. Lilian found me via blog world and decided that I deserve to be on her top 15 list. WHAT??? why the crap do people want to read the weird things that I write? It makes no sense. Anyways, Lilian will be in my top 15, I know it may be breaking the rules to pass the award back, but I love her blog and she makes sweet scarfs to give away. Can't get much better than that. Hopefully if I have time. . . sometime this weekend I will be able to pass this beautiful little award on to the deserving new bloggers out there. But for right now, I have a couple of other things I would like to write about.

What a "lovely" title. . .

*Caught this beautiful little image outside my bedroom window. Lucky? oh yeah*

One of my new faves, Jordan, interviewed me for her "Thursday Lovely". This girl has been nothing but kind to me since I met her while at a house concert I played at. She stood out immediately, specifically cheering me on and getting excited when I would introduce the artists that I was covering. She found me months after the concert via FB (gotta love Facebook) and I have been mentally attached to her ever since (I say mentally because we haven't seen each other since, but I feel like we are kind of best friends, and seeing her again someday would make my heart soar). She is especially appreciative of the beautiful things that life has to offer. . . See the blog post HERE and read her entire (wonderful) blog HERE.

Also, THIS is her etsy shop. Isn't it adorable?? I want the leaf earrings, anyone want to buy me a present?? :)

Thanks Jordan, for making me feel like a "Lovely"

Yesterday. . .

*This is how I felt* (and no, she is not naked)

I ran for an hour, climbed trees while watching HILARIOUS geese and ducks literally chasing people that had food, smiled my way through hip-hop, and cleaned my bathroom. It was a GOOD DAY.

+ I ate cereal for dinner. I LOVE cereal for dinner.

An Incredible Moment of Reflection . . .

This orange balloon represents someone's sibling that committed suicide. I was able to perform some music this morning for a Suicide prevention benefit 5K, and I was floored at how much peace and love was felt there. Almost every single one of the 550 registrants let a balloon float up into the sky that represented a loved one that took their own life.

I usually never speak or teach in analogies but they are running through my mind constantly, and today I would like to share what this orange balloon made me ponder for quite some time as I sat all alone in the park thinking of how people can deal with such sorrow. As all the balloons floated out and away, this orange one got caught in a tree high above. The balloon wasn't floating into the sky anytime soon and it reminded me of something I was told about a year ago when a boy from my High School took his own life.

*Just my artsy fartsy fotoes.*

I didn't know this boy super well but had a couple of classes with him, tried to talk to him a few times. During his funeral, which I regretfully didn't attend (hopefully I am getting the story right), his mother stood up and said that she could feel his presence with her and around her ever since he passed on. It wasn't a comforting presence or a peaceful presence. It was a sorrowful boy pleading for forgiveness from his mother for causing her and numerous relatives and friends so much anguish. I remember reading in a book one time called "Return from Tomorrow" about a man who was dead for a period of time and

walked with Christ before he awakened again. It is a true story, mainly from the mouth of the man who experienced this bizarre opportunity. He recalls seeing humans that are alive and spirits who have passed on that are having a difficult time letting their human frailties go. George Ritchie turns to Christ when he sees certain spirits following humans and pleading for forgiveness. He asks Christ why the spirits are pleading like that and Christ says something to the effect of. . . "Those people took their own lives and are chained to all their consequences."

*This was a different band "Miguel and Friends". . . nuff said.*

I can't even imagine what it would feel like to lose someone so dear to me because of suicide. But it is even harder to imagine the pain and anguish of committing suicide and feeling the heavy consequence that comes along with it. This boy was stuck here, just like the balloon in the tree. He wasn't free yet to float above because he felt the sorrow of what he had actually done.

Life is so precious, although I am one of the first to complain about it. I learned something at the temple last week while searching for deep answers and knowledge. "You must have these moments of pure hell, because look at what is in store for you." I caught the tiniest glimpse of exaltation that day and was reminded why my life seems to be collapsing the second I begin to rebuild it. I am living in a long moment in my imperfect human mind of my own personal hell, where nothing seems to be right. I have prayed and prayed for strength and help but felt little if any help from my loving Heavenly Father. I know why now and it is bearable. So hold on to life and be grateful for the times when your world is caving in, because those moments will be your greatest allies.

*Before they started the event, they kept the balloons in the canopy under which I was playing my music. It was heaven on earth!*

P.S. When I looked into the sky and counted the different colors to see which one was most common, dozens of yellow balloons stood out to me. Yellow represents the loss of a parent. Devastating.

Bet you are jealous that I know her. . .

THIS is Ayley, she put love into perfection in her latest blog post. It's the post I've been up night and day, searching for the words to write. Her speech is so eloquent, so I will let her continue to write her thoughts right along with mine. Ayley is in my same species of human. I love her.

oh and by the way

No one stood out to me this week while searching for new music Tuesday so it will be another love of mine. Regina Spektor. She's amazing and her voice is INSANE (impossible to live up to).

let the song play, it's worth it! :)

Controlled

By my emotions. I have been way controlled by my emotions lately. Which means. . . my bedroom and bathroom are still dirty. My laundry is only half way finished because I needed something to wear to work on Friday. I didn't run at all last week. My hair is completely disgusting. I haven't called anyone to set up a gig. I have cried MULTIPLE times. I haven't worn make up for a good 2 weeks. I have felt sorry for myself, and I have laughed my head off.

How do people get things done so consistently? I am horrible at being consistent. I am all over the place these days. . . perhaps it's because I am finally letting my soul explore all of these emotions that I have kept inside for years. It's time to give them their fair share of occupancy inside of me. . . perhaps it's because I am scared to death of who is flying home on a plane in 4 months. . . perhaps it's because I am working 40 hours a week in the most stress i've ever faced and I think it's causing me stomach pain. . . perhaps it's because I am far too critical and unforgiving of myself. . . perhaps it's because I just found out that Satan has had full control over me for the past 3 and a half months.

WHAT DO you WANT??

- I want to exercise play ALL the time (rock climbing, running, biking, hip hop, sports, racquetball, walking).

- I want to have time with friends at least weekly.

- I want to be closer to my Father in Heaven.

- I want to eat chocolate everyday.

- I want to bring someone into the true church of Christ.

- I want to play 10 shows next month.

- I want to laugh way freaking hard.

- I want to help my Mom around the house.

- I want to finish my album before January comes around.

- I want to take guitar lessons from Robbie Connolly.

- I want to study my scriptures EVERY single morning.

- I want to fly.

- I want to feel forgiven of my sins every night before I sleep.

- I want to watch chick flicks and eat ice cream.

- I want to meet new people.

- I want to read novels.

- I want to feel confident that I could recognize Christ.

- I want to see my sister in Wisconsin SO BAD.

- I want to play games.

- I want to spend more time with my entire family.

- I want to treat my parents with the respect and love they deserve.

- I want to move out of state in 2 years.

- I want to go to the opening night of "New Moon".

- I want to drink more water.

- I want to get a full 7 hours every night.

- I want to do a service project in Africa.

- I want to do my visiting teaching. . . for once.

- I want to have a clean room to come home to everyday.

- I want to fit into my jeans next week.

- I want to live fully.

That felt incredible. To just sit down and write out what I TRULY want. Not what I should want or what everyone else wants, but what I truly want. Sometimes we have to control our emotions in order to get what we really want out of life, it's absolutely crucial. A lot of the list above is soothing to my emotions and a fair share is difficult for me to accomplish, but it's what I want. Just remember to take time and reevaluate life and what it is that you honestly want, then pray about it to make sure it is in line with what Heavenly Father wants for you, and ask for constant help to make it happen. I trust everyone to know what they want out of life but I don't think that everyone knows it quite yet. Take time, NOW!

By the way, I forgive myself for being controlled by my emotions lately. I have a lot to handle right now, so of course it has been difficult for me to stay on track.

Ok, Imma Jerk

This would be me and sunflower after our wonderful run. (See sunflower's portrait below)

But, I've been too much into deep thought to feel like writing any of it down yet. I'm full on skipping new music tuesday because, well, it's Sunday. And BTW, a few of the goals that I set, I actually DID attain: Ran over 16 miles, Figured out my music set, and woke up 4 out of 5 days early to have scripture study and meditation time. Pretty good eh?? So, instead of adding new goals, I will continue the ones I have already set. (baby steps)

- 16 Miles.

- Have fully prepared half of my music set.

- Wake up every day early to scripture study and meditate.

- SET UP GIG (you think I would have taken 5 minutes

to make a phone call last week.)

- Clean my room, seriously it's time.

Anyways, I have so much on my mind right now that I have to get it out.

This is my running partner, sunflower.

LoVe. . . I know I KNOW, I can't stop thinking, feeling, blogging, reading, listening, criticizing, adoring, watching, wanting, coveting, portraying, and living in a mental state of love.

I keep myself sounding all "intelligent" by thinking I have love pinpointed. but what the crap, no one does!! Not even the "all-knowing" Jules. Love is different to everybody and I only know what it is to me. I feel it constantly, all the time, it never ends. It's difficult. to feel such a strong emotion 24 hours a day.

To me, it's lonely. impossible. unattainable. constant. forever. coward. mind-blowing. all-encompassing. true. real. surrounding. powerful. courageous. blooming. deadly. passionate. jealous. memorable. horrid. painful. mistaken. cruel. quiet. sorrow. magnificent. glory. ultimate. pure. joy. with-holding. constraining. perfect. touch. sobbing. mine.

There is some man out there that I will love who will love me back, in my perfect definition of love. I truly have a hard time imagining it right now, but it has been on my mind constantly for the past 2 weeks. I'm no easy person to handle. I am strewn with imperfections and absurdities. I need a love who has also to cast out a beam from his eye. I need a love who can understand me. ME, the real me. I need a love who will embrace my creativity. I need a love who will argue with me until we find the best conclusion. I need a love who will sit silent with me. I need a love who will bring me to tears with laughter. I need a love who isn't afraid to think out of the norm and into the deep. I need a love who finds beauty in my crying. I need a love who finds childlike joy in everything. I need a love who will be. I need a love who loves me.

I will wait until it is the perfect time. I will not rest in my journey for love until I find someone perfect for me. It's inevitable, but impossible to believe that he exists. I will continue to watch the sun: rise and set by myself until I find him. And when that opportunity arrives, I will be willing and ready.