Yesterday. . .

*This is how I felt* (and no, she is not naked)

I ran for an hour, climbed trees while watching HILARIOUS geese and ducks literally chasing people that had food, smiled my way through hip-hop, and cleaned my bathroom. It was a GOOD DAY.

+ I ate cereal for dinner. I LOVE cereal for dinner.


An Incredible Moment of Reflection . . .

This orange balloon represents someone's sibling that committed suicide. I was able to perform some music this morning for a Suicide prevention benefit 5K, and I was floored at how much peace and love was felt there. Almost every single one of the 550 registrants let a balloon float up into the sky that represented a loved one that took their own life.

I usually never speak or teach in analogies but they are running through my mind constantly, and today I would like to share what this orange balloon made me ponder for quite some time as I sat all alone in the park thinking of how people can deal with such sorrow. As all the balloons floated out and away, this orange one got caught in a tree high above. The balloon wasn't floating into the sky anytime soon and it reminded me of something I was told about a year ago when a boy from my High School took his own life.
*Just my artsy fartsy fotoes.*

I didn't know this boy super well but had a couple of classes with him, tried to talk to him a few times. During his funeral, which I regretfully didn't attend (hopefully I am getting the story right), his mother stood up and said that she could feel his presence with her and around her ever since he passed on. It wasn't a comforting presence or a peaceful presence. It was a sorrowful boy pleading for forgiveness from his mother for causing her and numerous relatives and friends so much anguish. I remember reading in a book one time called "Return from Tomorrow" about a man who was dead for a period of time and
walked with Christ before he awakened again. It is a true story, mainly from the mouth of the man who experienced this bizarre opportunity. He recalls seeing humans that are alive and spirits who have passed on that are having a difficult time letting their human frailties go. George Ritchie turns to Christ when he sees certain spirits following humans and pleading for forgiveness. He asks Christ why the spirits are pleading like that and Christ says something to the effect of. . . "Those people took their own lives and are chained to all their consequences."

*This was a different band "Miguel and Friends". . . nuff said.*

I can't even imagine what it would feel like to lose someone so dear to me because of suicide. But it is even harder to imagine the pain and anguish of committing suicide and feeling the heavy consequence that comes along with it. This boy was stuck here, just like the balloon in the tree. He wasn't free yet to float above because he felt the sorrow of what he had actually done.

Life is so precious, although I am one of the first to complain about it. I learned something at the temple last week while searching for deep answers and knowledge. "You must have these moments of pure hell, because look at what is in store for you." I caught the tiniest glimpse of exaltation that day and was reminded why my life seems to be collapsing the second I begin to rebuild it. I am living in a long moment in my imperfect human mind of my own personal hell, where nothing seems to be right. I have prayed and prayed for strength and help but felt little if any help from my loving Heavenly Father. I know why now and it is bearable. So hold on to life and be grateful for the times when your world is caving in, because those moments will be your greatest allies.

*Before they started the event, they kept the balloons in the canopy under which I was playing my music. It was heaven on earth!*

P.S. When I looked into the sky and counted the different colors to see which one was most common, dozens of yellow balloons stood out to me. Yellow represents the loss of a parent. Devastating.


Bet you are jealous that I know her. . .

THIS is Ayley, she put love into perfection in her latest blog post. It's the post I've been up night and day, searching for the words to write. Her speech is so eloquent, so I will let her continue to write her thoughts right along with mine. Ayley is in my same species of human. I love her.


oh and by the way

No one stood out to me this week while searching for new music Tuesday so it will be another love of mine. Regina Spektor. She's amazing and her voice is INSANE (impossible to live up to).
let the song play, it's worth it! :)


By my emotions. I have been way controlled by my emotions lately. Which means. . . my bedroom and bathroom are still dirty. My laundry is only half way finished because I needed something to wear to work on Friday. I didn't run at all last week. My hair is completely disgusting. I haven't called anyone to set up a gig. I have cried MULTIPLE times. I haven't worn make up for a good 2 weeks. I have felt sorry for myself, and I have laughed my head off.

How do people get things done so consistently? I am horrible at being consistent. I am all over the place these days. . . perhaps it's because I am finally letting my soul explore all of these emotions that I have kept inside for years. It's time to give them their fair share of occupancy inside of me. . . perhaps it's because I am scared to death of who is flying home on a plane in 4 months. . . perhaps it's because I am working 40 hours a week in the most stress i've ever faced and I think it's causing me stomach pain. . . perhaps it's because I am far too critical and unforgiving of myself. . . perhaps it's because I just found out that Satan has had full control over me for the past 3 and a half months.

- I want to exercise play ALL the time (rock climbing, running, biking, hip hop, sports, racquetball, walking).
- I want to have time with friends at least weekly.
- I want to be closer to my Father in Heaven.
- I want to eat chocolate everyday.
- I want to bring someone into the true church of Christ.
- I want to play 10 shows next month.
- I want to laugh way freaking hard.
- I want to help my Mom around the house.
- I want to finish my album before January comes around.
- I want to take guitar lessons from Robbie Connolly.
- I want to study my scriptures EVERY single morning.
- I want to fly.
- I want to feel forgiven of my sins every night before I sleep.
- I want to watch chick flicks and eat ice cream.
- I want to meet new people.
- I want to read novels.
- I want to feel confident that I could recognize Christ.
- I want to see my sister in Wisconsin SO BAD.
- I want to play games.
- I want to spend more time with my entire family.
- I want to treat my parents with the respect and love they deserve.
- I want to move out of state in 2 years.
- I want to go to the opening night of "New Moon".
- I want to drink more water.
- I want to get a full 7 hours every night.
- I want to do a service project in Africa.
- I want to do my visiting teaching. . . for once.
- I want to have a clean room to come home to everyday.
- I want to fit into my jeans next week.
- I want to live fully.

That felt incredible. To just sit down and write out what I TRULY want. Not what I should want or what everyone else wants, but what I truly want. Sometimes we have to control our emotions in order to get what we really want out of life, it's absolutely crucial. A lot of the list above is soothing to my emotions and a fair share is difficult for me to accomplish, but it's what I want. Just remember to take time and reevaluate life and what it is that you honestly want, then pray about it to make sure it is in line with what Heavenly Father wants for you, and ask for constant help to make it happen. I trust everyone to know what they want out of life but I don't think that everyone knows it quite yet. Take time, NOW!

By the way, I forgive myself for being controlled by my emotions lately. I have a lot to handle right now, so of course it has been difficult for me to stay on track.


Ok, Imma Jerk

This would be me and sunflower after our wonderful run. (See sunflower's portrait below)

But, I've been too much into deep thought to feel like writing any of it down yet. I'm full on skipping new music tuesday because, well, it's Sunday. And BTW, a few of the goals that I set, I actually DID attain: Ran over 16 miles, Figured out my music set, and woke up 4 out of 5 days early to have scripture study and meditation time. Pretty good eh?? So, instead of adding new goals, I will continue the ones I have already set. (baby steps)

- 16 Miles.
- Have fully prepared half of my music set.
- Wake up every day early to scripture study and meditate.
- SET UP GIG (you think I would have taken 5 minutes
to make a phone call last week.)
- Clean my room, seriously it's time.

Anyways, I have so much on my mind right now that I have to get it out.
This is my running partner, sunflower.

LoVe. . . I know I KNOW, I can't stop thinking, feeling, blogging, reading, listening, criticizing, adoring, watching, wanting, coveting, portraying, and living in a mental state of love.

I keep myself sounding all "intelligent" by thinking I have love pinpointed. but what the crap, no one does!! Not even the "all-knowing" Jules. Love is different to everybody and I only know what it is to me. I feel it constantly, all the time, it never ends. It's difficult. to feel such a strong emotion 24 hours a day.

To me, it's lonely. impossible. unattainable. constant. forever. coward. mind-blowing. all-encompassing. true. real. surrounding. powerful. courageous. blooming. deadly. passionate. jealous. memorable. horrid. painful. mistaken. cruel. quiet. sorrow. magnificent. glory. ultimate. pure. joy. with-holding. constraining. perfect. touch. sobbing. mine.

There is some man out there that I will love who will love me back, in my perfect definition of love. I truly have a hard time imagining it right now, but it has been on my mind constantly for the past 2 weeks. I'm no easy person to handle. I am strewn with imperfections and absurdities. I need a love who has also to cast out a beam from his eye. I need a love who can understand me. ME, the real me. I need a love who will embrace my creativity. I need a love who will argue with me until we find the best conclusion. I need a love who will sit silent with me. I need a love who will bring me to tears with laughter. I need a love who isn't afraid to think out of the norm and into the deep. I need a love who finds beauty in my crying. I need a love who finds childlike joy in everything. I need a love who will be. I need a love who loves me.

I will wait until it is the perfect time. I will not rest in my journey for love until I find someone perfect for me. It's inevitable, but impossible to believe that he exists. I will continue to watch the sun: rise and set by myself until I find him. And when that opportunity arrives, I will be willing and ready.


Tonight, I'm creating.

(This Just hits so close to home.)

And I feel like creating a "reasons" box. I will stick this "reasons" box in my car because frankly, my car is my big decision making location (when you commute for at least an hour every day). This "reasons" box will hold different pieces of paper with written reasons for why I should or should not make a certain decision. I know this is sounding like complete hogwash but I'm really excited about it. i.e. I'm driving down the road from work and all I want to do is go home and watch an NCIS marathon, I reach into my little "reasons" box and pull out a slip of paper reading: "It will help in your journey to love others." Heck no, NCIS won't do that. So I will then move on to something I know that WILL help me in my journey to love others. Isn't that a sick idea?? Maybe I'm just a little too excited but I can't wait. My little "reasons" box :), it's makin me smile already.

Happy living!


Goal setting. . .

Saturdays? I know I have like 10 minutes til it's legit Saturday but I'm just too excited. So, since I do New Music Tuesdays, I thought I needed something else that is structured to blog about, because it has become so popular and people want to know more about my life. (ha. . . ha) Or. . . it's because blogging makes me feel like I'm making a promise. If I blog about it, I better live it, or else everyone will think I'm an epic failure (super funny website btw). So here's the title of the tittle (don't ask, I just am looking for something more original than "name of the game").
Saturdays = planning goals for the following week. I shall report back every week about achieving my goals, and then post new ones for the next week. I will provide pictorial proof so you don't think I'm a lying sac o' beans. Got it? Good. Please call me a loser if I don't achieve my goals, it will only feed my motivation.

1. Run 16 miles.
2. Meditate/Scripture study every morning before work.
3. Get new 1 hour music set memorized.
4. Plan a gig.
5. Leave work on time every day. (sad I know)
6. Clean room and bathroom.

Kirsten (sp?) Dunst said it best, but. . . "Bring. It. On."


While everyone was driving to the football game. . .

I was speeding my way down 1300 East just so I could attend this movie all by my lonesome. . .

Paper Heart. If you haven't seen it, you need to. Why? because it's completely awesome. I seriously want to watch it over and over again. I laughed out loud and lost some of my cynicism towards love. It was seriously just what I needed. So maybe everyone in the theatre thought I was a complete creep for watching this movie and laughing harder than anyone else by myself, but I was thoroughly satisfied. :) Also, if any of you really know me, you will know that the relationship portrayed in this movie is what I yearn for. Maybe someday. . .


New Music Tuesday and zee winner is. . .

Peter Mulvey!

I don't know exactly what it is about him and his music that I like. I think it's the vibe I get. And for some odd reason, it has put me in an awesome mood. It has the same sort of effect that I get from the Weepies, and we all know how near and dear they are to my little heart. :) Take a listen and you will be pleasantly surprised!