I don't . . .

wanna be the one to say goodbye . . . but I will.      I will.      I will.

I don't wanna sit on the pavement while you fly . . . but I will.        I will.



connecting. . .

dishevelled l--i-n--e--s as of late.  for the past two months I've felt as though someone socked me in the gut and my "yellow" (for those color code geeks) came flying out of my wide open mouth, scattered as particles of dust.

I opened my eyes really wide and realized that I would not be able to pick up all of the yellow pieces I once had but now have lost.  I've cried . . . and cried . . . and been an emotional wreck (picking on others, judgmental, and feeling nothing short of a major drama queen) but . . . I wasn't ready to let go of so much personality so quickly.  This week I have focused my efforts on how to breathe in new yellow air because yellow is the core of my being and with out it, my life is mundane.  I have finally accepted the fact that I can't pick back all the particles that I lost because I lost them for a good reason.

God is helping me figure out which pieces are okay to bring back and which pieces need to be replaced.  He is so patient with my fun motives and is so understanding of the dis-harmony that occurs when I don't fill that need. 

What have I experienced most this week through it all? prayer. patience. perseverance. party. (literally in that order)

I even watched an episode of "Wipeout" on hulu and I laughed the entire 43 minutes. people falling due to their own will = my cup of fun tea.  

And that is the conclusion of this post.  I post a bunch of emotional stuff but end up putting Wipeout's top 10.   We're getting there yellow- we're getting there!


Missed my . . .

Alarm this morning due to a series of u-n-f-o-r-t-u-n-a-t-e events last night which meant that I was too late to make the much needed Temple trip I had planned.

Recording begins today . . . I cannot wait. 

But, as I was sad not making it to the Temple this morning, I've spent the better part of the hour submerged in one of my favorite past-times:

Watching dance videos on Youtube.  
THIS choreographer is incredible. THIS dance is incredible. what I wouldn't give to be young enough to train to be a part of this company.  Her music choices . . . also superb.

*recommend watching in full screen mode*
Coolest part is between 1:55 and 2:20, so be patient!

Kate Jablonski is kind of a singer/songwriter's dream choreographer. She captures the essence of music and lyrics more beautifully than I think I have ever seen. (she doesn't miss a beat or word and it shows)

My first promo CD goes to her so that she can choreograph a way sweet dance.
that is all.


Go on . . .


or put off fear and delight for a time to be held?

. . . .

plus some photos taken by yours truly



walk and . . .

talk/receive therapy from Jenny. 

that was last night and it was helpful in so many ways.

She mentioned the phrase "emotional trigger" a lot and it stuck with me. 

I asked google for the definition of trigger as I decided I would do my own research on the importance of the word.  It vomited out a few pertinent definitions:

a. The lever pressed by the finger to discharge a firearm. (emphasis added)
b. An event that precipitates other events.
c. To set off; initiate.
d. To fire or explode.

Yeah . . . i would say that the word trigger does the emotional world justice when describing the events that lead to destructive behavior.

I have plenty of emotional triggers. PLENTY.  but I think the next step after learning the bulk of triggers we have is to understand how these triggers lead to the demolition of our emotional being.  If I don't put my finger on the trigger, there is NO way that bullet is going to fire out on its own.

know what your triggers are, where they are found, and how to avoid them at all costs.

emotional healing 101.


My throat . . .

is awfully tight.  and has gotten worse over the past few days.  AND I am supposed to be singing for a wedding in 2 days.

Everytime I google the reason why this tight throat is persisting, I get the same top answers.

Something to do with stress and anxiety. 


I am hopeful that it is perhaps an environmental change (since I am visiting Utah), or allergies that I have suddenly contracted.  But stress and anxiety?? it would make sense seeing as I am rather stressed, yet I am having a hard time imagining that I could be stressed out to the point of physical tightness in my throat.

Anyone ever dealt with this before?  thinking about it is stressing me out even more! blast!!


The time has . . .

come, to muster complete confidence in the decisions i have made.  

I'm a little sick to my stomach;

a little worried for my future. 

*no clue who this is supposed to represent, but I see conviction in her eyes and it is awfully inspiring*

But I have faith that regardless of the outcome, I made a worthy and righteous decision.  I did my part and God will take care of the rest.

ever read "The Alchemist"?? I feel like I am reading a story about myself. kind of eerie, and i can't for the life of me put. it. down.


it's 10 or . . .

11 pm.

I know it doesn't seem like a BIG difference, california time zone vs. utah time zone but in Utah, I SHOULD be asleep right now, in California, I would just be readying myself for bed.

i'm physically in utah, mentally in socal.

this vacation back home is just that. a vacation. and the most highlighting points have been seeing my beautiful cousin walk out of the temple after making a sacred covenant, playing all day with my nephew, and crying my way through cindi's soul and spirit filled farewell address.

I'm surrounded by beautiful people doing worthwhile things.
but it's a weird feeling. because this is a past life. i don't live here and hang out with these people anymore. i don't have much in common to talk to them about.

but as i have been sitting in pity, wondering why i can't enjoy life like i once used to in utah. . . i came to an exciting realization.  what am i going to do with my time? not just while I am visiting home but when i go back to my new home?? time is of the essence. while i am here i plan on seeing a little more cindi before she leaves me for a year and half, hang out with sara before she gets married, hanging out with my hilarious parents and family, and attending as many Temples as possible (6 is the goal) because lets face it, i need blessings.  What about all that extra little free time?? reading, painting, writing music. I don't HAVE to spend every second seeing people that i was friends with years ago.

I also came to realize that I need to spend more time in service.  I need to lose myself.  I'm becoming WAY. TOO. DANG. SELFISH.

that is all. what a word vomit post.

you are welcome nathan.


My . . .

Savior suffered through my pains, temptations, sorrows, and even served as proxy for punishments that were meant for my own sins.

He suffered so severly and the pressure was so brutal and strong that his capillaries burst until blood replaced his sweat.

I recommend you all download the podcast "The Savior in Gethsemane" by Andrew Skinner from a years past BYU education week.

It helped me to view the Atonement more wholly, therefore accepting my Savior to completely tear me down to the depths of humility, seeking no greater desire than to worship God continually and obey strictly.

Without God, I would be nothing.
Without Christ, I can become nothing greater.


past the point . . .

of no return in the following ways:

- finished with my day job at the end of August/beginning of September. must make $$ playing music.
- new knowledge = new responsibility. kiss pieces of ignorance goodbye.
- spent 75 bucks signing up for the SLC marathon in April. death. yikes. i am experiencing sympathy pains for my future self.
- speaking of future self, I turn 21 in a month and 8 days to be exact. remember my birthday post last year?? completely insane how much you can grow in either direction when given a year of time.
- financing my album so it doesn't make me want to rip my hair out due to poor quality. sigh . . .

YES YES, i know. this means i won't be finished with my cd in july like i promised.
again. i break this ridiculous promise that i continue to make.   

I mean, I KNOW i am the one out of choice, putting all of this weight onto my life which means my complaining will end here and now but. . .

are you all feeling as overwhelmed as i am??

p.s. Mom, if you see this. I may have to ask you for some financial aid this month. I've been humbled to the dust and I may have to give in.