Thank you. . .

I am grateful most for the one who I give all of my thanks to. God. He is everywhere. I thank him for being my Heavenly Father. I feel like I must pay my tribute to Utah this Thanksgiving seeing as it will no longer be my home.

I'm starting to wig out about leaving Utah indefinitely. I only have 2 weeks left and every time I mention it to someone I'm close to (family, or best friends) they all have the same response: "I don't want to talk about it!" It puts tears into my eyes every time I hear it. I forget over and over again that this isn't just a vacation but could ultimately be permanent (for now at least).


I haven't really left my house much this past week because I am trying to soak it all up. The memories, the smells, the FOOD, the presence of the most loving parents in the world, my INCREDIBLE bedroom and bathroom. It's so hard to leave.

My Mom and I were talking and she mentioned her greatest fear with it all. "I keep thinking how you may never come back. This may be your last time living in Utah." bawl fest right?? "You are the last straw holding this family close together." she continued. The "A" Team is living in Wisconsin, Jenny: (the great) is helping people to help themselves while making herself even more perfect, Chris and Michelle are raising their 2 adorable chillun in North Salt Lake, and now I'm off to pursue music in California with dreams so large and far out, with a heart that has little fear that I may never be back in Utah.

I am so lucky to have the knowledge that my family and I will be together beyond this world. They will be there with me when we are done with this beautiful earthly challenge.


Anyone would call me crazy to leave a place where my friends reside. They are not average friends, they are not friends, they are my soul sisters. They keep me going and keep me thinking. I am so curious to see how I survive with out them because I didn't think it was possible. It's probably a good thing. They'll all run off and get married, go on missions, or take the world by storm. California is a blessing in so many arenas including this one. I can't stand to see my friends leave so I'll leave them first!! It's like an immature break up in middle school. and I am the immature one, yep, I'm happy about it.

The Place:

Dear Utah, although I complain about your horrid precipitation every time it comes around, I want you to know that it is much appreciated during Christmas. I will miss your "in my face" mountains, your fresh cold air, and your 4 consistent seasons. I'm happy to know that I can always come back to you, although I probably won't want to :).

Wrap up:

So now I will go downstairs and turn on music while my mom and I decorate our house with Christmas cheer before I leave.

I love (most) everything about this place, and I know I will love it even more once I don't have it, but I must go on and learn to love another area of this huge world.


If someone wouldn't mind. . .

Purchasing some sort of clothing HERE because I am moving to California and will be dirt poor for the next few months, that would be fantastic! Just found the website via ad found HERE which trust me you will want to visit because it is the funniest website ever.

But back to the clothing . . . I want SOMEONE to take advantage of the beautiful finds. Until then, I'll squeeze my eyes shut and imagine I have the money to buy unnecessary things. . . it will happen someday!

P.S. if you really do end up purchasing something, let me know. I am queen of vicarious living and it will bring me much joy. Please and thank you! Pictures accepted graciously.


Holy Smokes. . .

So I wrote a song called "Train Station Tango". I wrote it happily because I thought it was the first song I wrote that had no personal, emotional, connection. WRONG. WRONG. WRONG. WRONG. I spoke with Cindi about it about a month ago and asked her if she thought that I had a connection with the song. She pondered for a bit before admitting "I think that it is the you that not everybody knows or can see." I knew she was spot on and even started playing the song admitting to my audience that it hits so close to home.

"Sitting on a bench at the station,
listening carefully for the sounds
that would get me out of here, take me out of here!

See you walk past, a 9 maybe 10
not your looks stupid, but your composure as a man
didn't know what else to do but hide my fancy shoes.

Somebody told me 'don't let your heart out at night
cause once it starts to wiggle free it's hard to put up a fight.'
So I'll restrain mine here behind this old lover's book
that talks of the people and the chances they took.
They're not for me.

Sitting in an empty compartment and out of 103, you had to
draw the seat next to me.
Nod your head like you've just bid me well
but I'm staring you down like you have cast me into hell.
You smile and you smile then you laugh like you've seen my entire past.

Somebody told me 'don't let your heart out at night',
but what if I gave it and didn't want to put up a fight?
no I'll restrain mine here behind this old lover's book
that shows me what happens when I am willingly shook out of my skin.

He tried to teach me, said i haven't lived my life
He tried to show me that it was time to let my heart out,
let it fly.

But somebody told me 'don't let your heart out at night'
cause what if I gave it and you chose to put up a fight?
So I'll hold mine here behind this old lover's book
that talks of the people and the chances they took.
They're not for me. . . "

That song ends sadly. Just like my situation, my CURRENT situation. . . it ends sadly it ends EXACTLY like my song does. . . I'm pathetic, I am my own psychic through song and I hate it. Why can't I let my heart go? What am I so afraid of?? He's teaching me, he's trying to show me that it would all work out if I let it but I can't do it. . . I'm completely chicken. GRRRR. . . and now I'm off to California and he will be gone, most likely forever. I'm such an idiot.



Dear Taza. . .

Usually I really like you, sometimes, I start to wonder about the real you . . . like right now. . . why you had to make your headbands so ridiculously unaffordable.

Weird what people start to do when they know everyone will eat out of the palm of their hand.

Ba humbug . . .


Flip Video. . .

Has given me the ability to record bits of my live show at Muse Music. Check it out. Sorry it's friggin long.

Sure the sound quality is very low and the picture quality is even lower, but heck it's a video camera that is the size of a large cell phone. . . can't complain.


Captioned Collage . . .

*Click to enlarge, naturally*

Right this moment. I LOVE these pictures.

Think Connection. . .

I know I've been lazy and haven't posted pictures of the quaint little place I am going to be working in while living in California but I just want to point out some seriously important facts of life.

I am so imperfect, it is ridiculous. Luckily God and I are both full of forgiveness and that makes life a whole heck of a lot easier.

I believe that if you are truly living as best as you can and trying your hardest, God will put you in the right place. Just where he needs you to be.

I have thought about how intricate God is when it comes to getting you into that "place" he needs you to be. Here is how my life has gone in the past 3 years. . . think MAJOR CONNECTIVITY between all the events in my life.

- Made the decision to attend Utah State University in Logan.
- Met "D" Derek Walker (my next door neighbor in Snow Hall) who introduced me to the art of recording.
- Recorded music with D before he left on his mission.
- Inspired by D to buy my own equipment and record my own songs.
- Stuck in a musical rut. I could not write songs, it was impossible and i kept getting worse because my confidence in my ability was so low.
- Prayed and felt that I was destined to be a Music Therapist and joined the program at USU.
- I had to buy a guitar for said Music Therapy major.
- Writing block gone in an instant as I began writing songs on the guitar. All it took was a new instrument.
- Gained confidence and started writing songs for the piano that were eons better than before.
- Stopped going to class and started only playing music in my pj's.
- Decided to go back home to Salt Lake and earn money because i was broke and not taking school seriously.
- Decided that I didn't ever want to go back to school. I just want to be a musician. Period. The end.
- Got a job working for The School Improvement Network.
- Met ALLIE through said SiNET job.
- Randomly talked to my old friend, Sara, who attends college in California over the summer who encouraged me to come visit her before she graduated.
- Planned little vacation over the weekend to California.
- Talked to ALLIE 2 days before i left. She mentioned that her uncles who owned the dentist chain would hire me in a second.
- Went on vacation to California.
- Went and interviewed at dentist office right when they were ready to hire someone new.
- Got job offer.
- Surfed craigslist for hours to find housing.
- Clicked on random posting after much frustration.
- Called lady and went to house just to find out that they are an LDS couple.

Incredible right?? I am meant to be in this music industry no matter how hard and hellish it will be. I am so ready because these connections have put my life just so. God will never cease to amaze me. Some may say that I'm "all talk" because i tend to jump from one thing to another so quickly,but in reality, I just follow the counsel I feel from God and continue to change my life path only to find that he is simply helping me to reach my dream because I have been flexible enough to let him mold my life in the way it should go. Imagine if i would have been to scared to move out right after high school?? Where would I be?? Going to the University of Utah and watching NCIS every night??

God is perfect. We must put our whole heart and soul into letting him guide us. TRUST him, because he will never let you down. Has my life been easy? no. It's been very frustrating at times and God has allowed me to have trials like mad.

I used to feel stupid changing around so much. I felt like people thought I had no ambition or drive because I kept "giving up" on the things i was previously doing. . . One day I'm going to be a dietitian, the next day, I am going to be a music therapist. One day I am a college student, the next day I'm at home working. One day I am living happily in Salt Lake working for an amazing company, the next day I am moving to California to continue my music pursuit. But when I look back and see the map that is my life. I don't care what people think of me anymore. Every radical decision I made (that most people disapproved of) has led me to this point where I am going to work my head off in California to stand out from all the other wannabe musicians. I've always said I can do it. I've always said that I will make it. And now it takes physical form and begins to unfold.

I recently gave myself 2 years to move out of State. I think I will make this dream of mine come true a lot sooner than I realize if things keep going this quickly!

Allie, thank you for giving me this incredible opportunity. I love how God's work would not unfold so easily without the earthly angels that surround us. Check out her blog. She's incredible.


Here goes nothing. . .

I'm moving to California. I know. . . it's insane. It really overwhelmed me and freaked me out but my vacation turned into a job interview and rushing to find a place to live. Everything fell into place. God's hand has been in this decision so much, it is unbelievable! As I was getting ready to head on vacation, a friend of mine mentioned that she knew a chain of dentist offices that would be happy to hire me. I went and "interviewed" and got the offer. That very night, I was on Craigslist for about 3 or 4 hours searching for a place to live. I was so frustrated as all of them were either way out of my price range, iffy, or living with men. I finally came across a posting for a room in a family home. I called the lady who immediately picked up on my "utah accent" (i didn't even know Utahns could have an accent) and she told me to come check it out the next morning. I arrived to the house and before Suzanne swung the door open, she said "now if you are trying to get away from mormons, then you have come to the wrong place." I stopped dead in my tracks as I saw a picture of a temple hanging on her wall. It was meant to happen. That is no coincident and although I would be happy to live with people who are not of my faith, it makes life easier when you are surrounded by at least a couple of people who live the same lifestyle. I was blown away. It was a beautiful house with a pool and jacuzzi and it was only a 15 minute drive to my job in downtown Ventura. (Pictures to come. . . ) I have pondered it over the past few days and have made my final decision to take this opportunity and run. This is my dream and I am only getting one step closer to it!! I went down to Third street promenade in Santa Monica to watch and talk to the street performers. One guy told me that he averages $800-$900 every time he plays! What the crap??? I plan on performing at least 2 times a month in Santa Monica or somewhere like it in order to save up money and eventually buy an apartment of my own. This is such an amazing opportunity for me and I can't wait to be away from the dreary Utah weather. I just know that God puts these things in our life as a pattern to where we ultimately end up in life. He has given me this opportunity to shine and pursue my dream. It scares the crap out of me but I can't wait to take on the world!

P.S. I live about 10 minutes from the beach so you will all have to come visit me!



Ahoy. . .

from the sunny beaches of california my blog loves! I'll post pictures when I get home and tell you all about it! can't wait! I love this place. Plus. . . some good news to post when I get back!

Hope you are loving life!


I really can't comprehend. . . .

what has been happening inside of me the past little while.
I feel like I've seen myself again. I laugh. I get excited. I feel positive. motivated. I feel like I'm back on the track of Life. (LIFE, don't you think this word has been spreading around like wildfire?? everywhere I turn, everyone is writing or talking about LIFE. So maybe it has been going around forever but people seem so much more passionate about the word than they used to be. You don't use the word Life unless you have something exuberant, devestating, loving, or rollicking to talk about. The word life has been born again. I love it.) <----- sorry for the novel of a side note.
Back to my point. . . I feel alive again. I haven't felt this much like myself for a while. It's good to have me back.
Here's the scoop: I went through the lowest part of my life (to date) almost exactly a year ago. I lost control over everything in my life. I just moved home from Logan, I was scared out of my mind for my future, and I would have gone to extreme measures to be physically beautiful. I lost myself. I spent 10 days with Andrea, Austin, and Chase in Wisconsin. (Andrea is my lovely sister). Spending that time with her incredible spirit and getting out of my world for 10 days was just what I needed to turn back around and begin trudging the way back uphill to a good life. I decided to see a therapist. She has helped me in more ways than I can even explain. I had no idea that I would create one of the most loving friendships I've ever had through seeing her. Before she had taught me, I would have told you that my life is a cake-walk compared to hers. But that is something that I have come to learn more and more. Life is crap for all of us. Whether it is physically tolling, emotionally tolling, mentally, spiritually, or most likely a nasty combination of all 4. We all struggle to the extreme. Life is plain hard. Isn't it beautiful?
I have come such a long way this past year. Many tears, many lessons learned, and many trials and errors. I know that life is hard but i can always look forward to eventual happiness. One of the things that keeps me truly happy is my ability to cry, I cry out my emotions and I can keep going. I am honest and open with others about how I feel. I have stopped tagging "I am SO happy all the time" onto the end of every sentance, because in reality, sometimes I am not feeling happy and that is okay. But at the end of the hour, day, week, month, or even in my case, the year, I can finally say "I am happy" and mean it.
I feel like we are in the generation of honesty. Let's all admit our faults, fears, and struggles. We can build each other up so beautifully if we all live in pure honesty.
Much love love,
P.S. Regina tonight.


I've been waiting all this time to be something I can't define. . .

So let's cause a scene, clap our hands and stomp our feet

Doesn't that song give you the best image ever of millions of people around the world causing a scene and loving life? Pure inspiration right there!

I'm a format lover and I think that it is horrible music to listen to while working in a cubicle. It makes me want to dance and sing and run, or it makes me super emotional, like grab your head and put it between your knees, emotional. Now I am extremely anxious to leave so I can go play with the world

. . . and I've only been here 3 hours. Wish me luck!


Couple of things. . .

*Have I ever told you that my dream living location right now is Vancouver, BC*

On my mind right now:

First of all, i'm extremely sensitive to touch at this very second. like every single nerve I have is just standing on end. I also have extreme butterflies in my stomach. Why? what is going on right now? I'm just super confused. It feels as if I'm going to play my music in front of the world right now on a stage with supreme spotlights but I'm not, so I'm weirded out. Intense anxiety is taking over my physical body.

Secondly, I'm very excited for the next few weeks. This weekend =Regina Spektor concert which will blow my mind. Next weekend=California. Did I tell you that I'm going to play on the streets of Santa Monica where huge crowds will gather, people will literally throw all their money at me, and I will receive a 2 million dollar record deal?? Sweet right? okay so only the first is true but here's to hoping the rest will happen. Next NEXT weekend=New Moon opening night. Yes I am 20 and I love that series. Yes I love books that are well written and I still love that series. Yes I am a lover of Jacob in the book and Jacob on the screen. ahhhhh. Next Next NEXT weekend=Thanksgiving, chalked full of good food, familia, and hilarious moments. Think about it, something hilarious always happens on Thanksgiving!

Cheers my fellow human beings. Lets all make this week as fantastic as it was meant to be!

Love love love loves