The remedy . . .

to loneliness is being around people? Who knew?

Sometimes, I forget how easily life's problems can be solved. When I stop thinking a million miles an hour and start applying the natural human instinct to life, I see a change in my mood.

It's silly I know, but after feeling dreadfully lonely the past few weeks, I started hanging out 24/7 with the fine people I have met in Ventura this week. And now . . . I don't feel lonely. In all actuality, I am probably happier now than I have been my entire time in Ventura.

I have a tendency to "hermit" up whenever I get the chance, but I LOVE to have fun while being surrounded by amazing people.

Life is good. Real good. oh and i love you.

Go out and play today!


favorite . . .

movie scene EVER.

I didn't go to sleep a few nights ago. I ended up taking my guitar to the park to sing and play at about 2 am. Then decided to go running at about 5 am, after which, I turned this song on my iPod and danced down the street feeling like Joseph Gordon Levitt. Too bad the passing car passengers didn't jump out and join me like Joey. Musical life is but a dream for me.


5 of the most ridiculous . . .

Moments of my life. Why this flavor of post? I can't remember why the idea popped into my mind, but I thought it would be fun to recall.

1. Freshman year of high school, I heard a guy say "if girls have ugly, yellow teeth, they really should NOT wear lip stuff". I thought he was trying to tell me that I had ugly, yellow teeth and didn't wear lip gloss for like the next year. Why is this ridiculous??? Because my teeth are the exact same in the picture now as they were freshman year. with no whitening, I might add proudly (except for the crest whitening mouthwash and toothpaste). What a waste of a year I could have spent flashing those pearls. Highschool sux!

2. I once had a "mormon fling" with a boy my freshman year of college because for some reason, I couldn't get it past my thick cloud of doubt that I deserved better than him . . . much better! Lesson learned the hard way!

3. Emi con and I once sat at the park for hours waiting to see if my crush would come out of his house or go in, hoping he would miraculously see me across the street so school wasn't the only place we saw each other. I shouldn't have even known where he lived. . . frightening. Then he turned out to be my first and last boyfriend. Not to mention, Emily and I ended up sitting there singing "Don't Know What It Is" by Nancy Hansen over and over again, and we never saw him.

4. After watching Veronica Mars reruns all weekend, I walked into the Post Office and Bank today with my mind running, trying to figure out what every person was doing there, picking up every detail, and even sneaking a look at people's personal information to dig up dirt and save the world. I was completely unaware of this until I was driving back home and realized, it's time to tuck VMars away for a little while. Especially because I've been going crazy trying to find my Logan Echolls. *sigh*

5. When I first saw the Latisse commercial that lengthens your eyelashes, I wanted it immediately. Not because I wanted longer lashes, but because one of the side effects is lightening of the iris pigment. AKA it could turn my eyes blue. How QUICKLY i forget how beautiful my chocolate eyes are.

My claim . . .

Of keeping my facebook account alive because I need it for "publicity" is no longer holding up to my standards.

Therefore, I have bid farewell to facebook for the 2nd time. If I decide that I need it again for publicity then I will revive her heartbeat in November, but until then, I don't want to know of pointless things people are doing anymore.

I have a beach to play on, hikes to take, a job to work at, and a career to build.

If you want to talk to me- call me PLEASE or email me! But, I am finished with the ridiculousness of it all.

But never fear little bloggie, you will forever be living, why? because you are therapeutic to me! not harmful! bless your little soul!

*I think facebook crossed the line when the hundredth "friend request" who I truly had never come into acquaintance with, knocked on my facebook door. . . I mean, I know I'm hot, but seriously!


I walked proudly. . .

Into my church gym with a crazy (literally) outfit geared up to play my favorite sport - ultimate frisbee.

I was all chuckles and smiles and sweat.

This was the day after I was "moping" in my head to toe black dress and heels.

It's safe to say that 99% of my church ward members were thoroughly confused seeing me this way the day after I cried myself out of church.

Bi-polar must be running through their moldable minds. muahaha. the upper hand.

this could be fun.

Valentine's might suck but April fools is my delight.


this day . . .

Was bad. like . . .

Really REALLY bad.

It began fine. sort of. (if you call eating chocolate cookies for breakfast then spending all morning in bed watching Veronica Mars reruns fine). Then I got in the shower to ready myself for church.

I knew I should have showered yesterday.

I KNEW it!

I knew exactly what I was getting myself into when I turned on that water. but it happened, the inevitable. I began to sob. loudly. so loudly, i was concerned my tenants would hear, but then decided that it was a necessary ritual of February 14th. So I allowed it, I even sat myself down and let my tears do their thing. Valentine's is horrid for me and many others i am sure.

But this one was a particular heartbreak. I didn't have anyone. I didn't have anyone there to cry with me or understand what I was going through. Most of my friends were back in Salt Lake, sharing the grief with one another, visiting the grave site and the beautiful family (which i missed the most). There is nothing more therapeutic or angelic than Madeline's mother.

When I got out of the shower, I realized the tears wouldn't stop. I tried finding someone to sub in for my church calling but with no luck, hopped in my car with a red splotchy face and drove off. When I got to church, I headed, face down, impolitely through the mass of smiling people for the front where I would be directing the music. It was weird and in slow motion. completely out of body. I was humiliated. I didn't want anyone to ask questions and I still couldn't stop crying. The meeting began and I stood to lead. All eyes on me. my head straight down. tears rolling down my cheeks. it was a nightmare. every time I looked up for a fraction of a second, I saw faces with question and concern. The meeting FINALLY ended and I bolted out the side door straight to my safe little honda where no one could question me.

Then I heard "hey are you going home?" defeated, I glanced behind me to see a kind girl in my ward, heading towards me. I quickly explained my situation "my friend passed away 5 years ago. I want to be alone or with people who understand the circumstance. I only have one option here." Her cold answer surprised me immensely. "you need to come back inside, you shouldn't be alone, you need to distract yourself so you won't be all mopey." I thought of a million remarks i could make about how if you aren't quite sure of what to say, or maybe you are, but it is a sensitive subject, not to say anything at all, kindly said "no thank you", and went on my merry way.

I claim the right to be "mopey" on February 14th. I prefer to call it mourning. Some years are better than others and there are even a few days in between the year where i mourn as well for this great loss. YES, I know I will see her again. Don't remind me please. YES, I know she is in a better place. YES, I know. . . i know. . . . i know. . . but you better believe that when I feel sad about it, I will allow it. God built me to feel sadness without which, I would not feel joy.

So yes, today was bad on many levels. But tomorrow is new and bright, and most likely warm. So I will get up and show more love on February 15th than on this here Valentine's day.

Friends, I thought about you all day. I love you all, I miss you all. I can't wait for our grand reunion in heaven. Thank you for your amazing support.

And BECAUSE this is such a negative post, and I am in such a rotten mood, I thought I'd give you a chance to see my other lovely friends writing lovely things about miss Madeline.

See what Linds has to say
See what Rose has to say
See what Erin has to say
See what Al has to say

*girls, if there is anyone who posted something about Madeline, and I know not of their blog, please let me know.

Also, i promise that someday, I will speak of the most hilarious moments along with beautiful pictures. This girl was a big part in a lot of our adolescent lives.


I'm feeling . . .

*just a four-wheeling adventure with my loverkins, Cindi . . .*

Very Chipper today!

I am also missing my friends in Utah terribly . . .

Happiness be yours!

*We climbed a 125 foot radio tower while Cade wasn't looking. NBD . . . *


As the 5 year anniversary approaches . . .

of a dear friend's death, I received the awful news that my big brother's close friend died while watching his 2 year old son, while his wife was away at work. His wife came home to find her lifeless husband on the floor, and her 2 year old son playing toys in his bed. Heart. wrenching.

When Madeline passed away 5 years ago on valentine's day, it struck me. Every breath that I take is crucial because I have no idea when the last one I draw will be.

My other family members have witnessed death with ward members, elderly people, and friends of friends. But they have never experienced the complete tragedy of losing a close friend or family member.

I cried my eyes out for days on end when I heard the fateful news of Madeline's passing. I had nothing to give the world during that time, and there was nothing I wanted from anyone. My family was ignored when I would rush through the door straight up to my room, I had no intention of being with them. (the people i love most in this world) It took me almost 5 years to forgive myself for ignoring them in such a time one would think is meant to be spent with the people you love the most. But they didn't know what it felt like, and I had to come to terms with my decisions that week. I had to find forgiveness.

I have a common place where my tears fell during that time. The shower. . . I don't know why the shower but I feel like no one is there watching me, I am completely on my own and the water rushing over my tear stricken face is therapeutic. I remember specifically getting in the shower the day after Madeline died and I was in a crying hissy fit, so much so, that I fell down to my knees and stayed there, allowing my head to lay in my hands and the water to stream down.

I would wish that experience upon no one, so when I spoke to my brother today, I cried, knowing that my pain is now his and I knew he was feeling it when he said "I love you" before hanging up the phone. Does my brother love me? of course he does, I have always known it to be true, but hearing it for the first time truly hurt me. He now has been stricken with the knowledge that hit me 5 years ago. Life is precious and "You've gotta tell them that you love them while you've got the chance to say it."

Ode to Hales (Chris Hales):
The 2 Chris's (my brother, and Hales) got stuck in a cave for over 10 hours in high school. They laughed about that one for years.
Hales was always a riot. Easy to tease, and easy to love. He will be missed by many and is still loved by even more.

Big brother - I love you and am thinking about you. Your heartache is mine.

Madeline - take care of Hales. I am thinking about you daily. Thank you for being one of my many angels.

Stay tuned for the unveiling of "Dancing Feet" as a 5 year anniversary present to my Valentine's angel.


It's my . . . .

Latest song! Yipee!! And while i work on embedding it into the blog, you are welcome to listen

Much love!
Lyrics below


"So close your eyes now, pretend you're falling into the darkest hole.
And once you land there the strange faces give you one option: your body or your soul?
You start to panic, breathing gets heavy. You can't just let that perfect silhouette go.
You tug your long brown hair and rub your big blue eyes. Without all this what do you have to show?

I'm calling out now, it's just so simple, won't you please listen?

It's only a cover, it's only a cover, only a cover!
It's only a cover, only a cover, only a cover
and it's bound to disintegrate.

Uber long and somewhat boring instrumental for your pondering :)

It's only a cover, only a cover, only a cover! oh oh
It's only a cover, only a cover, only a cover and it's bound to disintegrate."

Side note, for those who may have picked up on my grammatical errors through lyrics. Please, let it be. Sometimes it's more beautiful that way . . . I am fully aware of how to use the English language, doesn't mean I don't rebel :)


Ouch . . .

*this picture and Maria Mena seem to do it for me today.*

that hurt much Much more than i expected.

I don't know what was worse, the actual (supposed to be happy) news or your obvious uncurdled excitement in your news.

Either way it hit me like a multi-colored brick . . .

We are in 2010, YOU are a man, I am a woman, and our lives will go on (separately) from here.
YOU never knew how I ever felt about you. YOU will find out sooner or later through the damned honesty of song.

In your own words, "SHE is the girl of [your] dreams" And SHE will be the one I hear in the background of your songs from now on . . .

and tears fall as i sing "This is my crazy sad attempt at a beautiful love song."

Loves . . .