1.10.2010

An imperfect . . .

Couple of days, it has been. I wonder if it is ever possible in this lifetime to fully recover from years of hating the way I look. I stand in front of the mirror finding all of the ways I could be more beautiful, then I realize what I'm doing, stomp my foot in anger, and feel bad about feeling bad about myself. There is something wrong with that.

A few things I need to get off of my chest about this issue:
1. I am still struggling immensely with BEN (my B.inge E.ating N.emesis, inspired by Meg to name the little devil)
2. I have come a LONG way from where I was a year ago and I know how to keep myself above the water, even if sometimes it is by a thread.
3. I've been spending way too much time facebooking and blog reading which feeds (no pun intended) BEN and makes him stronger.
4. I need more of God's presence in my life.
5. Playing and composing music seems to be the only time my mind is actually off of food, looks, dieting.
6. I'm SO over being secretive about BEN.
7. I have all of the tools and knowledge to control BEN after therapy with Christy (bless her angelic soul).
8. I have a career to create, and he is just getting in my way right now. annoying!

BUT on a more positive note. I LIKE the way my body looks when I wake up in the morning and look in the mirror. It's just holding onto it throughout the entire day and night that seems to be a constant challenge. I get out on the streets and see "beautiful" women everywhere I look. strike 1. Then I see beautiful women in television or movies. strike 2. Then I walk into a dressing room to try on adorable clothes. strike 3 and I'm out. I guess for now I can embrace the fact that I have issues and that I'm a fallible human being who gets caught up in it all from time to time.

At least I can go to sleep every night and think, "despite all of it, I really LOVE me."

Here's to wishing that you ALL love yourselves as much as I love you. And if you are feeling brave, tell yourself how beautiful you are today.

6 comments:

Michelle said...

I think you're beautiful if that counts for anything. That being said, lets be honest, what we(I) really want to know about right now is your DATE the other night!!!!

ren said...

Jules. i love your honesty. thank you. I always have the same struggles. you are so beautiful!!! -i love the pic at the bottom of your post. so pretty!- hang in there. i feel the same way about the morning to night thing...i'm like a totally different person (bodywise) from the beginning of the day to the end. we seriously need to break up with our BENs. the little devils :-)

J. said...

Much love to you, my BEAUTIFUL friend!
XOXO

Randi said...

Right there with you girl. I think setting realistic goals like five hours of good working out a week, or only one candy bar a day help me; even if I'm not shedding pounds left and right it makes me feel soo much better about myself.

Barb @ getupandplay said...

Isn't it just the worst? Ugh, i feel your pain. I'm a few years ahead of you in life but I haven't overcome my body issues completely yet. However, being grounded in the gospel totally helps, you are right on that one. And becoming a mother has given me no choice but to see my body as Capable, Strong, and Beautiful. That potential exists within you, too, and hopefully you can tap into that when you are feeling less than strong. (You are a very beautiful woman and BRAVE, too!)

PS- I want to hear about your date, too.

Emily Lou said...

i don't even know you, but beauty radiates from your words! you and i have so much in common [probably even more than we both realize] and i am so inspired by your blog. keep writing. you're such a beautiful woman of God!