this day . . .

Was bad. like . . .

Really REALLY bad.

It began fine. sort of. (if you call eating chocolate cookies for breakfast then spending all morning in bed watching Veronica Mars reruns fine). Then I got in the shower to ready myself for church.

I knew I should have showered yesterday.

I KNEW it!

I knew exactly what I was getting myself into when I turned on that water. but it happened, the inevitable. I began to sob. loudly. so loudly, i was concerned my tenants would hear, but then decided that it was a necessary ritual of February 14th. So I allowed it, I even sat myself down and let my tears do their thing. Valentine's is horrid for me and many others i am sure.

But this one was a particular heartbreak. I didn't have anyone. I didn't have anyone there to cry with me or understand what I was going through. Most of my friends were back in Salt Lake, sharing the grief with one another, visiting the grave site and the beautiful family (which i missed the most). There is nothing more therapeutic or angelic than Madeline's mother.

When I got out of the shower, I realized the tears wouldn't stop. I tried finding someone to sub in for my church calling but with no luck, hopped in my car with a red splotchy face and drove off. When I got to church, I headed, face down, impolitely through the mass of smiling people for the front where I would be directing the music. It was weird and in slow motion. completely out of body. I was humiliated. I didn't want anyone to ask questions and I still couldn't stop crying. The meeting began and I stood to lead. All eyes on me. my head straight down. tears rolling down my cheeks. it was a nightmare. every time I looked up for a fraction of a second, I saw faces with question and concern. The meeting FINALLY ended and I bolted out the side door straight to my safe little honda where no one could question me.

Then I heard "hey are you going home?" defeated, I glanced behind me to see a kind girl in my ward, heading towards me. I quickly explained my situation "my friend passed away 5 years ago. I want to be alone or with people who understand the circumstance. I only have one option here." Her cold answer surprised me immensely. "you need to come back inside, you shouldn't be alone, you need to distract yourself so you won't be all mopey." I thought of a million remarks i could make about how if you aren't quite sure of what to say, or maybe you are, but it is a sensitive subject, not to say anything at all, kindly said "no thank you", and went on my merry way.

I claim the right to be "mopey" on February 14th. I prefer to call it mourning. Some years are better than others and there are even a few days in between the year where i mourn as well for this great loss. YES, I know I will see her again. Don't remind me please. YES, I know she is in a better place. YES, I know. . . i know. . . . i know. . . but you better believe that when I feel sad about it, I will allow it. God built me to feel sadness without which, I would not feel joy.

So yes, today was bad on many levels. But tomorrow is new and bright, and most likely warm. So I will get up and show more love on February 15th than on this here Valentine's day.

Friends, I thought about you all day. I love you all, I miss you all. I can't wait for our grand reunion in heaven. Thank you for your amazing support.

And BECAUSE this is such a negative post, and I am in such a rotten mood, I thought I'd give you a chance to see my other lovely friends writing lovely things about miss Madeline.

See what Linds has to say
See what Rose has to say
See what Erin has to say
See what Al has to say

*girls, if there is anyone who posted something about Madeline, and I know not of their blog, please let me know.

Also, i promise that someday, I will speak of the most hilarious moments along with beautiful pictures. This girl was a big part in a lot of our adolescent lives.