2.07.2010

As the 5 year anniversary approaches . . .

of a dear friend's death, I received the awful news that my big brother's close friend died while watching his 2 year old son, while his wife was away at work. His wife came home to find her lifeless husband on the floor, and her 2 year old son playing toys in his bed. Heart. wrenching.

When Madeline passed away 5 years ago on valentine's day, it struck me. Every breath that I take is crucial because I have no idea when the last one I draw will be.

My other family members have witnessed death with ward members, elderly people, and friends of friends. But they have never experienced the complete tragedy of losing a close friend or family member.

I cried my eyes out for days on end when I heard the fateful news of Madeline's passing. I had nothing to give the world during that time, and there was nothing I wanted from anyone. My family was ignored when I would rush through the door straight up to my room, I had no intention of being with them. (the people i love most in this world) It took me almost 5 years to forgive myself for ignoring them in such a time one would think is meant to be spent with the people you love the most. But they didn't know what it felt like, and I had to come to terms with my decisions that week. I had to find forgiveness.

I have a common place where my tears fell during that time. The shower. . . I don't know why the shower but I feel like no one is there watching me, I am completely on my own and the water rushing over my tear stricken face is therapeutic. I remember specifically getting in the shower the day after Madeline died and I was in a crying hissy fit, so much so, that I fell down to my knees and stayed there, allowing my head to lay in my hands and the water to stream down.

I would wish that experience upon no one, so when I spoke to my brother today, I cried, knowing that my pain is now his and I knew he was feeling it when he said "I love you" before hanging up the phone. Does my brother love me? of course he does, I have always known it to be true, but hearing it for the first time truly hurt me. He now has been stricken with the knowledge that hit me 5 years ago. Life is precious and "You've gotta tell them that you love them while you've got the chance to say it."

Ode to Hales (Chris Hales):
The 2 Chris's (my brother, and Hales) got stuck in a cave for over 10 hours in high school. They laughed about that one for years.
Hales was always a riot. Easy to tease, and easy to love. He will be missed by many and is still loved by even more.

Big brother - I love you and am thinking about you. Your heartache is mine.

Madeline - take care of Hales. I am thinking about you daily. Thank you for being one of my many angels.

Stay tuned for the unveiling of "Dancing Feet" as a 5 year anniversary present to my Valentine's angel.

3 comments:

Chad and Jordan Wilson said...

I remember when Madeline died. My best friend was in her ward.She told me that morning at cross country practice and we both cried. I know this probably means nothing to you but I am glad we are friends. I feel like our lives have almost collided so many times. I'm so glad that we both know you will see madeline again some day.

J. said...

I lost a very close friend when I was 14. Well over a decade later, it's still hard. It's such a tragic thing, to lose a loved-one. My thoughts and prayers are with your brother- and with you as well, my dear.
XOXO

Barb @ getupandplay said...

Oh, no! That is just so sad about Chris Hales! How terrible.