The battle between two inner me(s)

Once I know that I'm not quite as superhuman as I think I am, the realization can sink in that I need love:

I need it and I've needed it my whole life. Why do I look down with such sadness upon those who need love? "They are too dependent, needy, and obnoxious!" But I'm not. I'm self-reliant, independent, and rather agreeable. "Talents, friends, fun, success, the gospel, family, and work are enough." I thought so but I'm just not quite sure anymore. "I don't know why I'm even discussing this, I won't need love. I can give it to all without spreading it thinly and don't expect any in return." But sometimes I just wish I could have it at my fingertips to help ease the emotional pain of life. "Am I absurd? Remember what Christ has done for me? That is love that is available ALWAYS." I can't deny that it's there all the time but is it really that bad to long for love outside of Christ's giving? "Yes! Christ didn't expect the love of humans in return, so why should I?" I can't be as perfect as Christ is, I can only try. "But this is part of learning and progressing in the gospel. I have been blessed with the ability to love freely, I know I see others who rely heavily on love from people but I can be different." No, I can't. I long to be loved and it has caused me too much pain to deny it any further. I can still be independent and sane but need love! I know I can't expect it from everyone and I don't, but I can still feel the heartache and the sadness when it's not given. "I will never fully agree with this!" I will! I just need to allow myself the ability to feel what a human would feel without guilt on my conscience. It will lift me up in more ways than I know. "I can't decide, only YOU can, but I know that I don't need it." And therein lays my answer. I finally realize that you aren't me and I not you.

Sorry for the insane, random ramble. . . sometimes you just have to get it out!

New Music Tuesday:

That's right!  Tuesdays are now dedicated to new music and new music only.  (inspired by iTunes)

Artist of the week is. . . . . drumroll please! 

PRISCILLA AHN

Beautiful woman with beautiful talent.  It's moments like these where doubt creeps in about my own musical abilities.  With lyrics like "Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I'm supposed to be." She's a complete GEM!  

You can purchase her music on iTunes

Visit her incredible website HERE 

And read this amazing piece of her bio (sound like anyone you know? If only I had a teacher who did this)

"Ahn had considered pursuing music in college, but a teacher who oversaw her audition at a state school offered her insights perhaps even more valuable than further study. As Ahn recalls, “The music professor there really got me. He knew that I played guitar and wrote songs and called me up at home and said, ‘Maybe you should think about not going to school right now and pursuing songwriting as a career. After school, your whole life might be so different and you may not have that opportunity again.’ I really thought about it and finally took his advice. And it changed my life.”

Dear

Ms. Towers,

Could you please oh please recreate this dress for me.  I would be willing to pay a price. . . someday.  For now, it shall remain in my dreams.

Sincerely, Jules

Why. . .

Do I feel like I'm at least 35 years old when I come home from work everyday?


My job is fantastic, I LOVE IT! I have a lot of responsibility and feel accountable for many people, It makes me feel too old and mature sometimes.
I listen to other 19+ year old girls ramble about celeb gossip and teen vogue. . . and it bores me to the core.

I go to therapy twice a month and watch my angel therapist's eyes dance around as she searches for a reason for my (more than likely) over analyzed, insane, out of this world, complex thoughts. She explains to me almost every time I see her how she can't believe that I am only 19.

I just got back from Girls camp and I was the leader this time!
I eat as if I were going to be diagnosed with cancer or have a heart attack tomorrow.  All thanks to THIS book.

I love hanging out with 35 year olds. . . not in a creepy way.

I read Self-help books all too often. . . 

I'm starting to watch Fox 13 news Governmental updates too much and find myself feeling passionate about it.

I went to bed at 7:30 last night!! Then woke up at 5:00 this morning.

But Hey! I can't complain. . . I really LOVE my life!

Wheeeeee

So In the midst of a creative blunder this morning, I created this little beaut.  I'm quite excited about it and getting extremely stoked to release my first album!!  My life is fantastic.

The Good, The Bad, and The REALLY UGLY!!

The Good:

-My sister and nephew in town from Wisconsin (Aren't they wonderful??)

-SYTYCD (couldn't love Tabatha and Napoleon any more than is current)

-3 New songs in the writing process

-2 Words. . . . Job. Security.

-Knowing that homework and writing lengthy papers are not part of my near future.

-Love is in thee air and even though I'm not breathing it, it's so beautiful!

-The Monsoons right outside my door... AHH it's GLORIOUS!

The Bad:

-Less and less time for friends

-NCIS marathons. . . They suck me in every time!

-Heavy workload

And The REALLY UGLY:

-Jealousy. . . I'm convinced it can ruin ANY relationship.

-Broken hearts.  They are necessary but horrid.

-Judgements.  They are used solely for the purpose of feeding the pride of the judger.

-Tragedy.  I know I will never fully understand God's plan in this life.

PLEEEEEEEEASE

CHECK    THIS    OUT.  I sincerely hope that someday someone will do this to me.

(some offensive language)

Also check THIS out.  HAHAHAHAHAHA

You tube is my lover.

It's Official!

I have decided that my album will be called "Story for the Raise", which will also be the name of my song that took me forever to name. This album has brought the best out of me... I truly believe it! It's more a journal than anything, of my life as it is right in the moment. I feel like I'm telling stories in every single song and the sun's rays are the ones that I sing to. I heart the rays of the 

sun in more ways than I can tell you. I am a firm believer in Seasonal depression!! As well as this album title being about the sun, it's a little bit of a play-on-words. During this time period which I wrote all of these songs, I went from the lowest point in my life, to the best point in my life. It is a "story for the raise" as it began with my heart aching to daily rejoicing. Pretty sweet right? Anywho... the recording is ballin and I just am thrilled about it. We've now laid down 8 of the songs and all of the drums. I'm just finishing writing my last 2 songs (maybe 3) to go on the album and I will be 100% broke by the time I finish.... WAHOO! It has been worth every penny though!

[Love this as much as I do? go HERE]

My advice for today? Do what you want with your whole BEING. Don't let anyone or anything tell you that your heart's desires are incorrect (and NO, being a lazy drunk partier is not a true heart desire). It has taken me what seems like a lifetime to finally look someone in the eye who asks me what I'm doing in school and say... "I am not going back to school, I'm working full time and recording my first album. I have an incredible life!" I've gotten only 3 types of responses to this answer that I give people:

1. They GET IT! They know that I am going after my dream and their eyes sparkle and wonder at how incredible it is that I can actually do that! (what awesome people!)

2. They are upset with me because I AM going after my dream and they didn't or "can't" (I don't believe in that word!). They tend to speak to me with happy words but their eyes don't sparkle and I don't feel their joy emitting from their souls as I do with the first response.

3. They think that money is all that matters and search rapidly for a kind response, though their minds are racing at full force into the gloom that if I don't go to school and graduate, I won't have any money. (by the way, to all of you thinking that. I plan on going all the way! I will make more money with my music then I could with anything else.) I thank number 3s for their concern but gee whiz money could never make me happy!

So PLEASE do what you truly desire!! Whether that's going to school to become a Computer Scientist. Going to Paul Mitchell to get a hair license. Getting married right out of high school and having 15 kids. Military service. Traveling the world. Training for the NFL. Or recording your first album with plans of sharing it with the world to inspire. There are so many options and education does not mean college. Education means being where you are while learning as much as you can!

Go for it! Take your dream and run!

I had thee COOLEST epiphone yesterday. . .

So I decided to take my lunch break from work to go to the park and work on some song lyrics. As I'm sitting there, I start thinking of all the guys in the past few years that I've truly liked and WHY I liked them so much. I follow the same pattern: Like somebody, hang out with them, then decide that I don't like them anymore (some last longer than others). I started writing each of their names down on a piece of yellow notebook paper (you know the kind I'm talking about), and it came to me. . . . Each of these men in my life have one extreme attribute or characteristic. I had a list of 7 men and 7 COMPLETELY different characteristics tagged to a name. I realized that God has given me an outline of 7 men and a characteristic from each to find my own man. I never loved these men. . . . I loved that extreme attribute (fun, funny, kind, spiritual, all out cool, knows how to treat girls right, motivated and successful). I understand that for a lot of people, there are MANY different others who they would work well with. I am NOT one of those people! I could be HAPPY with MANY different people, but I can't choose one just because. I have to find somebody with the same sort of extreme attribute as those 7 men. So I guess it is now time to be really patient, people like that don't come around very often!!!!

The Joy In My Life

Is insane right now.... Did I have my first show on Saturday night? Yes I did! Was it in a yogurt shop in Provo? Yes it was! Were there 25-30 people there tops? Why yes!! Sound lame? Probably! But I can't even tell you how much fun that night was to me! It was pure bliss! Singing at the top of my lungs the songs that are in my heart as well as those that have inspired me. I can't imagine a better feeling, yet it was at some lamo yogurt shop with a small crowd! How does that happen? you might ask... I'll tell you why.

I've had this vision growing in my mind for quite some time. It's been watered and given lots of sunshine and FINALLY it's sprouted.... Just barely, but it's there giving me proof that it will continue to grow. As I see this baby sprout, I am reminded why I even began to water it in the first place. This show I had was my first step towards reaching every far off and unimaginable dream that I have floating around in my head. Can you imagine a better feeling?? I don't think so!!

IT'S INSANE

How warm it is outside these days! It's still March and I feel like we completely got to skip over winter in Salt Lake. I enjoy waking up to snow covered trees and big flakes falling outside my window, but I can't stand it when I walk outside. I live for the warmth! Go outside and do something today on March 14th!  It's supposed to be freezing!  ENJOY IT!

"Snails See The Benefits"

Isn't it true?  Those lucky suckers, they get to view everything, every inch and they HAVE to move that slowly, they don't have a choice!  Sometimes I wish that the entire world could be paused, just for a day at a time so that I can truly be a snail and take in EVERY moment of my life.  For example.  My drive to work is amazing! I love it!  It's 25-30 minutes of Music blasting, head bopping, crazy dancing, lipsynching fun.  I receive all kinds of responses from my fellow drivers! Everything from "Get out of here, why are you so happy at 6:30 in the morning?" to "Woah, I wouldn't be caught dead pulling a move like that alone."  to "Man, I wish I enjoyed life like that!!"  and even an ocassional "Rock on girl! You're freaking awesome."  I can't think of anything that I would do differently in that situation.  I HAVE to rock out to my music to make waking up at the crack of dawn to work for 9 hours enjoyable!  That is one of my proud snail moments.  I pledge from here on to try my best to take on those snail-like qualities and enjoy the time that I have in life.

EVOL

I've been thinking a lot lately about love. Yes: the love and cheesiness that I see in movies or read in books. Most marriages that I see don't have a love like that, it's a different love that seems more realistic. But then I think... why the heck can't I have that cheesy romance that I see in many movies? I believe I can and will! I can't pretend that I would want anything different. If my love life followed Pride and Prejudice exactly then I would be entirely happy with it! It's a great thing to dream about and I can have it! I have seen it in real life, it's just not as common as I've grown up to think. I don't know if that helps or hinders my outlook of love right now because it makes it seem so far away and that it'll be years and years till I ever get to that point. I feel very young, yet I have to remind myself that I am.... I'm only 19 years old! I have time to find that love that I am looking for and I find nothing wrong with that! So cheers to all you hopeless romantics. We're all fighting for it and it's out there!

Latest Song

"Excuse me sunshine rays.  I see you're tired and sleeping but I need to feel you on my face.  I've got a problem that needs your eager ears and the warmth that they bring when you pardon all the worldwide fears.  Because you see I'm growing while my mind and heart grow too but I'm confused about which path to take, the things I should and shouldn't do.  

And who's this Mr. Right? Please just tell me so I can get on to another sleepless night.  I've got a life that others say they've dreamt for years, but that dream fades away when they realize that I have my tears.  Do you even understand the power laying in your hands that seeps to everyone you see and almost brings us to our knees? 

Can you see an angel standing right above me now?  Watching each decision I make?  And if so, can she hear me crying to the world?  Please just help me through another day.

They don't think I hear the accusations and laughter of the people and how they appear.  How do I live my life surrounded by this kind? To find peace, joy, and satisfaction in my own distorted mind.  Cause when I fall will they be there?  Or will they be there just to stare,  and hope that I will fall again, falling till I've come to end? 

Can you see an angel standing right above me now? Watching every move that I make? And if so, can she hear me crying to the world?  Please just get me through another day.

She's led me to realize that hope is still there, so now on my journey to find.  I can release all the pain that I've held for so long, so long... so long pain, so long.  

I can feel the angel standing right above me now.  Helping with each step that I take.  And now I know that she can hear me crying to the world.  Angel thanks for helping me get through today."

Not quite sure why I deserve them

God has put people into my life. I would NEVER make it without these people. They mold me, form me, encourage me, lift me, tear me down, smile, laugh, create joy, create ANYTHING, they are the reason for my being!

Kelli Case- I can't say enough how she saved my life this very night. She stopped me from making a huge mistake and helped me to realize my potential. This girl is inspired all the time and will never do anything but lift me up higher than I could ever reach myself. She has a way with words that anyone could understand and relate to. She knows the true meaning of life and has lived more than others have in an entire lifetime. She will do amazing things and laugh along the way! Whoever happens to stumble upon her shall be considered truly blessed! Her creations will get her far in life, they are sooooo beautiful! Every single one of them amazes me because it truly is a piece of her. She's not afraid to share herself with the world, and I aspire to be her.

Cindi Dietz- A friend who I feel has been there for an eternity and will be there for the rest of it. I have known this girl longer than this life, of that I'm sure. I have a connection with her that I've never felt with anyone else. She understands me on a deeper level than my family can even comprehend and she knows how to make me laugh in a split second. She is alive and vibrant as if she's ready to conquer the world with a smile! She is best compared to the sun... consistent, beautiful, shining, lighting the entire world, bringing warmth and contrast to the cold darkness. She knows who you are very quickly that it's almost frightening, but I can't keep myself away from her, I gravitate to her and continue to be curious of every move and step that she takes. She is completely unpredictable. She helps me in a different way than anyone else in the world would be able to. She is a true sister.

James Campbell- He's confusing, he's obnoxious at times, rude as all get out, and extremely tactless! He is completely loyal and there for me. No matter what, I feel like I could tell him anything because he would handle it differently than anybody else, he would twist and contort it into a different angle that I would never see, although I never tell him anything! He sheds a new kind of light in my life! Some days I feel like he does everything to please everybody else and other days I feel like he's never had a care in the world about what others think of him. He is here for me in a crucial moment of my life. He's the only guy friend at this moment who I have an endless amount of fun with, who makes me laugh so hard that my gut hurts, who can get me to drink a red bull and watch youtube videos until 5:30 in the morning. He makes me feel like a little kid again in every way that I miss.

Katie Taylor- This girl has a listening ear like no one I've ever met. She is quick to praise and slow to criticize! It took me months to convince her that I was definitely NOT too cool to hang out with her because she sees so much good in others and not enough in herself. Although I felt the humor behind it, I still felt like she meant it! She is the only other girl I know who is as obsessive as I am about losing weight! I hate her for that because I would never wish such an awful curse on anyone else and it tears me up inside to know that she feels the same way. This girl is beautiful! She's 4 feet, 11 inches of all around goodness. She's the one of which you would say "AMAZING things come in small packages" She's got a hook punch like no one I've ever seen and she can make me laugh until I cry. She has no idea what is in store for her future, but I can see clearly that it is devoted to others. She serves more than I even thought possible and jumps at any chance to continue serving. She can just sit and listen without giving me gobs of advice that I don't want. Wow!

Sara Lieber- Sara and I have the same blood running through our veins. She helps me to remember that I'm not as beautiful, bright, and amazing as I sometimes think I am. I have learned to embrace that about her! I look at her and she is stunning, I hear her talk and she is brilliant, I see her dance and it takes my breath away. I used to have a hard time with it. Knowing that the girl in the bed next to me is so much more than I will ever be. But she has no idea how much of a blessing she is to me. She gives me something to look up to! Every weakness that I have is her strength and I can't say that about anyone else. Once I get past the shock of it all, I understand why God put us together! I can make those weakness strengths and she is a source of encouragement by just being there next to me. I can't wait to grow old with her and die with her by my side because I don't know what I would do without her! My friendship with her is even stronger because it has brought silent pain along the way. There were never any fights or vulgarities! Just jealousy and envy (the most evil pain of all). I know why I need her now and I look forward to waking and knowing that I love her every single day!

Lachel Walters- This girl portrays the kindness of Christ better than anybody I've ever met. She's the first one to include! She's the first to volunteer herself to jump in my car when no one else will. She puts others before herself constantly and won't take no for an answer! She is absolutely hilarious in her everyday speech. She's silently incredible. I say that because people can't even begin to comprehend her spirit until they spend a lot of time with her. She's a spirit outside of her body, if it left her right now, she would be no different to me. Sure she's incredible when you first exchange impressions and you see her princess like beauty, but that is not what I see when I look at Lachel. I automatically feel her kindness radiate from her being. She makes you feel like a million bucks the second you walk through the door when she throws her arms around you and screams your name for the world to hear. She's unique and now that I know her, I could never live without her.